170224 Thank you for providing the venue

His and hers

As our wedding is just less than 6 months away, I was getting antsy and anxious about not having a reception venue. We will be having our ceremony at our church but we have yet to find a venue for our evening reception. Back in October last year, we actually had a venue booked that I really liked and it seemed like it could make my dream wedding come true. However, we ended up cancelling that because of our budget. I believe I made that hard decision around the end of December, and for the last couple of months, Mr. K and I were venue-less. We kept looking and looking, but there was nothing that was budget friendly, or that fit my expectation. If the venue was decent, it was way over our budget. If the budget was on point, the venue was... well, meh.

As time kept passing, I was getting more and more antsy. And, probably to the point I was getting depressed and sad... even with the possibility of having a "giving up" spirit in me. During this whole time, Mr. K was patient with me and kept encouraging me that God will provide, and that we will find something at the end of February. Yes, I believed him and more importantly, I believed that God will provide. But I kept doubting in the back of my mind, that yes, for sure God will provide, but I will have to compromise big time on the quality of the venue. That's the part that was bothering me. I want a budget friendly wedding, at the same time, I wanted a nice venue. Well, realistically that is impossible, right?

We visited out our "last" venue this morning. Well, I call it last because, I was so hopeless and I didn't want to check out any other venues after this point. If it didn't work out today, I was just gonna suggest a Korean restaurant or whatever. Yes, whatever. I hate that word and I especially hate it when my fiancé uses it and now I'm using it. That just shows how done I was with this venue thing.

As we were driving to the venue, and as we were waiting to meet with the coordinator on site, Mr. K kept ensuring me how beautiful that venue will be in the summer. The venue that we checked out today is a golf course, so it was very bare and miserable during winter, especially on a rainy day like today. I tried to envision that and yeah, I can definitely imagine it being full of colours and beautiful in August. But I wasn't buying it yet, just because I had looked up this golf course online and the hall wasn't... well, my style. Therefore, I had no expectation. I went regardless with the thought to just take this venue (or the Korean restaurant), just to get this whole thing over with. But when the coordinator took us to the room, from just the look through the doors from outside, I loved it. I just loved the airiness of the space because of all the large windows! There was so much light coming in, and I could just imagine the green field beyond those glass panes. Ahh! finally! On top of that, there was upstairs! Well, the upstairs didn't have that "wow" effect as the ground floor, but I thought I could work with it.

I was so thankful and relieved to finally have a venue, and not just any venue but somewhere that I see myself and Mr. K celebrate our wedding day. It was another reminder of God's goodness and provision for both of us! Oh, and we knew that this had to be it because this was the only Saturday available for the month of August! Isn't that so crazy how it all worked out? Like Mr. K was saying, I'm sure that it was all God who provided this awesome place for us. A admit that I was overly anxious and worried about this for so long. Apparently I was being a Debbie downer for some time now... but really, I wasn't that bad, was I?

Anyways, thank you Lord for providing this great place for us! We continue to pray that God will walk with us as we plan our wedding day, and most importantly, our marriage together as a husband and a wife!

170220 Thank you for our one month engagement anniversary

By the George Washington Bridge, New York

A month ago today, something real special happened. I got engaged to my favourite guy, Mr. K! I knew that he was gonna make this proposal real special but he definitely went over and beyond what I expected.

It's been a month since we got engaged. I am happy for the most part, but the wedding planning has been rather stressful than fun. Many married couples have told me to enjoy this time but I find it hard to enjoy because of so much stress with so many uncertainties. Our wedding is only 6 months away and we still haven't found a venue. I keep going back and forth between what I want and what is pleasing to God. I didn't want a wedding that everyone's doing. The wedding culture nowadays is just too crazy looking from a financial perspective. Everything that's labeled with "wedding" just jumps in price. I do have an image of what my wedding day to be. And it seems it's almost impossible with the time that I have... In a way, I feel like I couldn't get what I wanted so I kinda gave up... and with the options that I have, I should choose the best available but I keep thinking of the wedding in my mind. And because the reality does not match with what I had envisioned, I have a trouble settling down on our choices. So I don't know what to do anymore. At times, I am hopeful that I'll find the things I want (and I don't think my dream wedding is unrealistic), but at times, I lose all the hope and become very discouraged to the point, that I don't want to plan anything anymore. "It's just for one day" is an excuse that I tell myself - that it's okay to want and carry out what I envision, but it also becomes a reality check to remind me that what I desire the most is to have a wedding that is honouring God. But is that really what I desire the most? Or am I just saying that?

I've been praying for wisdom more than ever during this season of wedding planning.

170214 Thank you for another V-day with my Valentine

There was another chocolate bar but, let's say I kinda ate it all... :P

I was shocked to see a long line up at a flower shop at one of my local grocery stores this evening. Yes, it's Valentine's day - the day of love, celebrating love between couples, friends and even family.

It's our third Valentine's day together this year, and my fiancé and I decided not to celebrate it this time. Well, I think our celebration for V-day varied from year to year. But as we are planning for our wedding, we thought it'd be wise to save money in whatever capacity we can. And I'm glad that we did what we did because I realized the prices for flowers have gone up super high in February! I love receiving flowers from my Mr. K but I wouldn't want him to pay an unreasonable price for this "day of love." He's already good at surprising me with flowers and other gifts, and we don't need commercialism to acknowledge our love for each other. 

Well, although we said we won't do anything this year, Mr. K got me bars of chocolate that I wanted to try:) I'm just happy that we got to spend the day with each other!

170208 Thank you for the girls devo group

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I am serving in my church's youth group as a leader. It's been more than a year and slowly but surely, I've got to know a lot of students - some on just "hi and hello" level and others in a deeper level. There are a couple of girls that I've been intentional in my time with them, and it seemed like they needed someone to keep them accountable in regards to their devotional time. I can't remember for certain, but I'm pretty sure it was before October when we started doing and sharing a Bible reading together. Then wow, it means we have been doing this together for at least 4 months already! We started with John and just a couple of weeks ago, we finished the book! We started off reading and sharing a passage daily - 5 days a week. After a while, we decreased the sharing part to 4 times a week, and now that more time has passed, they feel more disciplined to share about 3 times a week, and they are good to do their devo on their own on the other two days. Last week, we took a break because we had just finished John and I wanted to ask if they would like to continue doing this together. I was happy to know that they were seeking to continue this accountability group until they become more disciplined.

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge, 

but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Proverbs 1:7

Today, we began a new book. As we read Proverbs together, it is my prayer that all three of us will grow in God's wisdom and that we will be disciplined to pray, to read the Bible and to love one another.

170203 Thank you for a delicious brunch and a good company

Thick and fluffy pancakes! Yummm!

Brunch dates are always fun. Yes, I do admit that brunch can be excessively expensive but it's a special treat for me as I don't do it often. Once I get married and have my own place, I want to invite my girlfriends over for brunches... I hope my fiancé wouldn't mind it! I guess, I'l probably only do it when he has work on Saturdays so... I guess he won't mind at all then!

My dream of having my own place, making it pretty and having friends over is coming true soon. Not so soon but soon enough! I am very excited for that!

I'm thankful that I got to have this wonderful brunch with a wonderful friend. It happens to be her birthday today, and she seemed to really enjoy the food and the atmosphere at the brunch place so I'm very thankful for that. Looking forward to having a friendship building & memorable year with her!

170201 Thank you for speaking to me through the Word

What's left from the engagement day!

It's been almost a year... since my last update in March, 2016. I guess I am back, for the time being. The reason that I didn't update my blog was not because I ran out of things to be thankful for. Because since the last time I blogged, there has been more than plenty of things that I'm thankful for. But it's more so because of my laziness and at times, I forgot to... and that went on for weeks after months... and I became complacent.

I've been doing my devo on Psalms and I keep entering this cycle where I enjoy reading -> finding chapters very repetitive -> feeling like there's no new information -> repenting and realizing that I was wrong -> enjoying reading again. Today, I was on Psalm 98 and it seemed so similar to I had read the day before, and the day before that, and two days before that... I felt so dry, bored, couldn't pay attention, so I actually didn't have a quality time with God. But, as soon as I read the chapter once, something came to my mind. I felt like God was speaking to me. He was asking "how come you read psalms about praising me for the past how many weeks (or months), yet you don't praise me?" I feel like He also could've said something like, "helllloooooo? I've been giving you these obvious hints this whole time, and look how long it took you to realize."

That's when it hit me. I felt so dumb and clueless. I was giving thanks to God, and I was singing praises to God on Sundays, but did I actually "praise" and worship God? I feel like I haven't done that in a long time. I felt the prompting from God that I need to get back to this blog but I kept pushing it off. God's been telling me that I need to praise Him but I've been just dwelling in the brainstorming stage, and not putting anything I brainstormed into an action.

I've been also learning about disciplining myself spiritually. So with this entry, I want to discipline myself again in giving thanks to God through my blog. By doing this, I can start counting my blessings again and really grasp on how great our God is. Today, I'm thankful that God spoke to me through His word, and that I'm able to get back on my blog!

160311 Thank you for the movie "The Little Prince"

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux"

Le Petit Prince.

It's my favourite book and my favourite character. Sadly, I realized that I don't know the book from cover to cover - if I claim that this is my favourite book, then I should know, right? Again, sadly, the last time I read this book was... probably in high school, if I'm remembering it correctly.

Mr. K gave me this book in English version as a gift a couple of years ago. Until then, I did not know that I had never read this book in English! My first encounter with this book was in Korean, as it is my first language. Then, I read it for my French class in high school - it helped me greatly that I owned a copy in Korean. I started reading this book again at the time when Mr. K got it for me. But, I couldn't focus on it as I used to, and I ended up reading 1/3? 1/4? of it. Soon after, it went to my bookshelf... until today happened (note to Mr. K - don't get upset! hehe).

Mr. K took me on a surprise movie date today to watch "The Little Prince," and today was apparently the premiere of the movie! I had no idea. Both of us enjoyed the movie very much, and we had a good date together.

I strongly suggest that you watch it too! But, it would be better if you read the book first, if you haven't. Even if you read it, it would be nice to refresh your memories before you go watch the movie. So, I've been reading it ever since I got home, and I just have a couple more chapters to go.

I wonder what I got out of the book when I was reading it in high school, and the very first time I read it. I wonder if it was in elementary school or middle school that I read this book for the first time. Oh yes, one thing that I remember is that back in high school, I thought that this story was romantic. Especially the part where the fox and the little prince meet and converse. Also, with the whole idea about the rose and the star. I won't say much, because I don't want to ruin this book if any of you have not read it yet.  As I was reading the book today, I am realizing the things I probably had not thought about back then. Even if I did know what the book was referring to before, the way I understand it now is different, reading as a "grown-up." I realize that I too, was living my life as a "grown-up" at times. Especially in chapter 22, where the little prince encounters the signalman was the part that allowed me to reflect at my life and it kind of saddened me.

I'm gonna go back to my reading and finish the book before I go to bed. I'm thankful for the fun day Mr. K and I had together, and also for this opportunity to read this book again - for both of us.

160305 Thank you for the joy that gives me hope

:)

There are times when I feel lonely. It feels like everyone, even the ones nearest to me turn their backs to me. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to turn to. I feel it even more when I'm home alone. For the past couple of days, I've been home alone. That also means that I have to eat alone.

I usually don't mind being alone as I'm an introvert and I need some time to myself, but at times like this, eating alone makes me feel even lonelier. I don't know since when, but I started to eat in front of a monitor when I'm eating alone. And I think this is bad because it doesn't allow me to enjoy what I'm eating because my mind is focused on the show. I recall doing this a few years ago, when I had a TV. There was a time that I lived by myself. I hated walking into a pitch dark, and silent home after work.  I was always starving by the time I got home, and I rushed to make myself some dinner, and while I do that, I also prepared the next day's lunch. Once the dinner was ready, it was my routine to turn on the TV and mindlessly watch "The Office" or "Big Bang Theory" as I eat. At the time, it was funny as I watched those shows. But as soon as it was done - the TV show, my meal, and cleaning, the loneliness rushed in once again. Most of the time, I was too tired to feel lonely or think that I am lonely. Anyways, I don't know since when but eating in front of a monitor became a habit, when I'm eating alone.

One of the things I realized that I started doing when I feel lonely is to flip through the photos of the kids from Cambodia. I know it's so random, and maybe some people might find it creepy, but when I look at the photos of the children, it takes me back to Cambodia. It was one of the best moments of my life that I cherish and choose to remember. I was happy. But I was also joyful. Not just because of these kids who brought me smiles, but because I was in tune with God.

Since December or so, I've been feeling that my spiritual life has been rather dry. Thankfully, it's getting better because I've been noticing some positive changes in how I do my devo for the past couple of weeks. I've been reading a book called "Prayer" by Tim Keller with my mentor for some time now, and it's been very helpful to both my mentor and myself. At the end of every chapter, we have been looking for practical ways to apply what we've learned in our lives. I trust that God is using this book to help me get back on track, so that I can be in tune with God again.

Around the time I started my blog, there was so much joy in me. I think I can confidently say that I was a thankful person back then. Unfortunately, things are a bit different now, and I am no longer that thankful person that I used to be. There is no joy in me. Yes, I have days when I feel happy and things give me laughter. But the true joy that I felt deep inside my heart is really hard to find. I think the last time I was so overwhelmed by joy was back in Cambodia and a month or two after Cambodia. Maybe that's why I keep looking back to Cambodia, in order to get a glimpse of this pure joy that I experienced. I know that God desires me to have this joy again, and I'm gonna do my best, with God's help, to be the person I was before.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

We, as Christians, are also to take it as pure joy when we face trials. Maybe this loneliness that I'm going through is also a trial of many kinds, as it is written in James. I'm currently discouraged in many ways but maybe God is telling me to persevere during this time. I'm not sure if I can at the moment, and to be honest, I don't want to. But I know that this is what God wants me to, and I have to trust God and lean on Him for his guidance.

160228 Thank you for the good family memories

Jeju Island, 2007

It was Mr. K's grandpa's birthday dinner tonight. It reminded me of my grandpa and my family. When was the last time I celebrated his birthday with him? Honestly speaking, I don't even know when his birthday was. I guess, even if I knew his birthday, the best I could do is to call him and wish him happy birthday. I know even just little and simple thing as a phone call would've made my grandpa happy.

Although I don't know Mr. K's family that well yet, it was nice to be in a family gathering because all my relatives live in Korea. Even if I want to go to a family gathering, there's no way of going unless I fly all the way there. I realize how much I miss those family dinners we had when I was young. I remember my family going over to my grandparent's house (my dad's side) every Sunday after church. My gomo's family and my uncle's family would also come over and we would either eat at home together, or go out to eat. I remember asking my grandma for 1000won (equivalent to $1) so that I can get a snack (usually super junk food) right across the street from her house. There were 5 of us - my sister, my three cousins and myself, so we each got 1000won to spend. If we were lucky, sometimes my grandma would let us rent a video from the small video store next to the convenience store. I think the video rentals were also about 1000won or maybe even less. We probably watched Power Rangers or Jjang-gu, if I remember correctly.

I think my grandpa put his arms around my grandma, after I told them to look more friendly in the picture.
 My grandma then awkwardly laughed.

My grandparents were the only ones who lived in a house, so it was fun to spend time there. Going up and down the stairs, playing in the rooms upstairs where my dad, my aunt and my uncle used to live, and playing in the yard with the flowers that my grandpa planted and took care of. All those were some of the memories I can recall from my childhood.

And there are memories from the time when I visited Korea. The first time I got to stay in Korea for a month or two was in 2007, when I was in university. That allowed me to go on a overnight trip with my relatives. That summer, I went to Korea with my sister and we were lucky to go to Jeju island with my grandparents and my gomo's family. My dad's side family is pretty weird and hilarious (mostly my grandma and my gomo, sometimes my grandpa too), so we have numerous unforgettable memories. This trip to Jeju, there were several incidences and as I write this entry, it brings me laughter thinking about all the things that happened during this trip. 

In the end, they were both smiling and I was able to get a cute picture of them:)

My grandpa is no longer here with us. But my grandma is. My grandparents from my mom's side are. All my cousins, aunts and uncles are still here with us, although they may all be living in Korea. I also have Mr. K's family and his relatives, who live nearer than my own relatives. I'm thankful for the memories that I already made in the past, and for the ones that I will make in the future.

160206 Thank you for the first Meeting House

Are my jade plants growing or dying?

This week was the launch of the Meeting House (MH). It is a new ministry in the Hi-C congregation of my church, where the students meet in small groups, and meet on a biweekly basis. It's pretty much the same as life groups which I'm a part of. I am co-leading a group of 6 girls from grade 7-9. Today was the first day for my group to meet. 

I was excited for our group to meet, especially hearing from others on how great their first meetings have been. I'm not completely sure why but I was not in a good mood today and this made me not to look forward to it as I was getting ready for the MH. However, things changed as I met the students and started our meeting. 

It was a little awkward, students were little shy and reserved as it is usually the case in first meetings. Although it was only introductory, I see how much these girls will grow together in a small community that we just established. As we have shared on what we expect and in which areas we want to grow from now until June, I hope and pray that we will keep each other accountable to make this happen. As for me, what I hope to do for the next 5 months or so is to take them as my disciples and to genuinely care and pray for these girls, and get to know them deeply.

160128 Thank you for the jasmine flowers

Jasmine flower from the orphanage

I love the smell of the jasmine. But I've never seen or smelled a real jasmine flower before. I've only smelled it from tea or body lotion and fell in love with the beautiful scent. It's only last year that I came to know what it really looks like. It's strange that I was never too curious about what this beautifully scented flower might look like.

There was a flower bush in Cambodia in front of the orphanage that smelled really good - it smelled like jasmine. However, I didn't know what it was because the children were telling me the Cambodian name of the flower. So I just thought it must be some local flower with a good scent that smelled kinda like jasmine. For the entire week that I was staying at the orphanage, I just enjoyed its smell and never questioned if that might in fact be jasmine. Only once when I came back home, I started to wonder if that bush really was jasmine. I suddenly got excited and looked up "jasmine flowers."

This took me back to the time I was in Cambodia. I loved the smell of jasmine flowers brought by the breeze. It also reminded me of the conversation I had with one of the kids at the orphanage. I was walking around the garden, smelling various flowers to see where the smell had been coming from. When I got near to this flower, I was so excited that I finally found the source of the smell. I stuck my nose in the flower and inhaled as much as I can to remember its scent. Then one boy came to me to see what I'm up to. I shared how much I loved the smell. He started to pick all the blossomed flowers one by one. When he brought the flowers to me, his hands were full of these white jasmine flowers. I told him that he didn't have to pick all the flowers, I'm happy with one to keep as a souvenir. In response, he said that more will bloom tomorrow, whereas I'm only there for one more day so I should take all of them.

Out of all the flowers the boy picked for me, I only kept two in my Bible. The scent is barely there anymore, but I still stick my nose in my Bible, whenever I miss Cambodia.

Speaking of Cambodia, I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was thinking about Cambodia. The fact that there is an opportunity for me to return this summer got me excited. I know it's still a long time ahead, and I don't know what my situation will be like in the summer. However, I trust that if God wants me to go again this year, He will show me and make a way for me. So I'll be praying in the mean time and trust God.

151214 Thank you for my grandfather

Our very last date, December 2009

For the last few days, my family has been worrying about my grandpa's health. It's my dad's father, and he had a stroke a few years ago and since then, he's been in and out of the hospital pretty frequently. He's been in a small hospital/ care giving centre for some time now. My grandpa can no longer walk, and he also has alzheimer's. He also can't communicate well. When I was in Korea this summer, I had a chance to visit him. Sadly, he didn't remember me and it was really hard for me to see him like that. I also got him out from the hospital with a lot of help to go on a mini day trip with my grandma and my aunt. I got a call on Friday evening from my aunt, and I knew that something was up. She shared a bad news that my grandpa's showing signs of pneumonia and he had to be relocated to a bigger hospital. It's really dangerous for old people to get pneumonia and they can die in very soon. The next day, my grandma called my family and updated us that he's doing a bit better and he can now go back to the small hospital. Unfortunately, my grandma didn't really understood what was going on. This morning, my aunt called again and told us that my dad and my mom should come back to Korea asap.

While my parents were out run the errands before they leave for Korea tomorrow morning, I was home alone. Suddenly, the phone rang and it was my aunt calling again. She said she had received a phone call from my grandma that my grandpa is about to pass away. She said her family was rushing to the hospital. She had already asked the doctor to delay the death of my grandpa, so that at least he can live until my parents arrive but nothing could be done. Right after, I called my parents to let them know of the bad news. Then I called my grandpa to see what's going on. She said it was time.

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. 

And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, 

we also know that He will give us what we ask for" 

1 John 5: 14-15

I read this verse last night, and this morning. I kept asking God to let my grandpa live for just a couple of days more until my parents arrive in Korea. I really wanted my dad to see my grandpa before he passed away because, what's the point of him going to Korea after my grandpa passes away? I knew how much my grandpa missed my dad, and I also knew that my dad felt the same way. I kept praying over and over. But God's answer was different from what I had hoped for.

Soon after I called my parents about the bad news, they came back home. We were all silent while waiting for the next phone call. I was hoping for the phone to never ring... hoping that grandpa will get a bit better. Unfortunately, the phone rang and what I heard was something that I didn't want to hear, yet was something my family and I were expecting to hear. It was my aunt, and she announced that my grandpa had passes away. By the time my aunt's family got to the hospital, it was too late. Thankfully, my grandpa wasn't alone at the time he died. My grandma was with him, as he had wished her to be.

My last trip with my grandpa, August 2015.

I read the verse again after the news. I was upset, angry and frustrated with God because I knew that if He wanted to, He can wait a bit before He takes my grandpa away. I wasn't asking God to let my grandpa live for another month or another week. God willing, I'm sure He could've made it happen. However, I must've prayed against His will. God didn't wait for my parents... I was sad, but probably even more sad for my dad. I had wished that my dad will get to see my grandpa one last time. But God had other plans.

I want to trust that God's ways are perfect. I don't know if my grandpa is going to heaven or not. He was a Catholic, and I hope He believed that Christ is his Saviour and Lord. But I'm not sure to be honest. I also prayed that my grandpa will go to heaven, so that I can meet him once again I leave this world too. I just regret so much that I didn't get to ask my grandpa about his belief when I was in Korea this summer. I mean, it might've been challenging to carry out this conversation because he had alzheimer's and he didn't even remember who I was. I know I shouldn't think this, and this is not true, but I keep thinking that if my grandpa doesn't go to heaven then it's all my fault.

I recall the last days of my grandpa when he was still healthy, and when I was in Korea back in 2009. That's the first picture in this post. There are so much regrets when I think about that day, and I am reminded how horrible granddaughter I was. During my time in Korea that year, I was busy always hanging out with friends, and didn't care too much about my family. I don't remember why I met my grandpa that day, but we decided to meet at one of the Korean traditional palaces. I remember meeting him just briefly because I was so busy with my friends that afternoon - we made plans to go see Andy Warhol exhibition nearby the palace. I'm pretty sure I suggested to my grandpa to come to the palace at my convenience. His house wasn't that far but he still had to commute by himself. He was already around 90 at the time. What kind of granddaughter makes her grandpa travel by himself when he's that old? Yes, he was definitely healthy compared to now, but he was still really old. I made him come all the way to the palace, just to spend a little time with him. I was going through my photos that I took that day, comparing the time that the first and the last photo were taken with my grandpa. It was less than 2 hours. All we had was a cup of tea... we didn't even share a meal together.

He looks lonely walking alone, more than ever today.

My mom was in Korea about 3 years ago, when my grandpa just fell ill and had to start staying at a small hospital. At the time, he didn't have alzheimer's so he remembered most of the things. Today, my mom was sharing how he would often say how he missed me and my sister and how he recalled the time him and I went to the palace together. When I heard this, I was heart broken. I didn't think my grandpa would've remembered something such brief like that. But he did.

Looking back, that time was such a precious time for both of us. And it's now something that I can never have again.

Sadly, I don't remember any of the conversations we had that day. Even this, I regret because it was the only time that I spent with my grandpa alone. Ever since I grew up, I don't think I ever had any alone time with my grandpa. The fact that I don't remember any of the things we talked about proves that I didn't consider it special. For me to spend such a little time with him too, and sending him off like that... that was so rude of me. I don't think I can forgive myself for doing that.

I don't remember saying "I love you" to my grandpa. I don't know if he knew. I can't do anything now but to hope that he went to heaven. I really pray that he did. I hope I can see him again.

151212 Thank you for this year's life group

Christmas potluck is always the best:)

Tonight was our life group's year-end/ Christmas party. I can't believe another year's gone by. This was my 4th year in a life group. Although leaders have changed throughout the 4 years and so did the members, it's been always a blessing to be in a life group. I think all of us would agree to say that they've been encouraged by these sisters in Christ this year.

All 4 life groups have been different. Dynamics, the materials we covered, the style that was in, the relationships... As I write this post, I'm trying to think of in what ways each group was different from the other. I think this year's group was the most relatable for me in a way. Not sure why, but I feel like  I felt the most comfortable and I was most honest and open compared to other groups that I participated in? This may not be true, but that's what I think.

I'm thankful for all of the 8 sisters in my life. I pray that they will continue to desire to be holy and to walk with God in the new year as well! Looking forward to sharing life together in the new year as well!

151210 Thank you for the Christmas gift idea

A cute kitchen that captured my attention

"It's that time again" says my sister, after seeing a several packages of ground almond on the kitchen counter. Yes indeed. It's that time again to start a cookie factory. It's not a tradition or anything to bake cookies every Christmas but it's something I enjoy doing and it makes a good gift. I've been looking up recipes online last night and found some I like. I picked the top five I liked. It's not guaranteed that I'm going to bake all five but we shall see. Last year, I did something similar and made four different cookies in one day... and that was fun, yet exhausting! When the cookies were cooled and I was putting them in the jars, I realized that it wasn't gonna be enough. The jars were bigger than I thought. So I quickly made a new batch and that completed my Christmas cookie jars.

I'm planning to do something similar as last year. Currently, it's all in my head and who knows... if I don't have enough time, or don't feel like doing it, then this may not happen. One thing that's hard about this is when to bake. Since I don't put (nor know how to put) preservatives in the cookies, I can't make it and bring it to one party that's happening this week, and save it and bring it to the next week's party. By then, these cookies will get super hard and won't be edible anymore. I just need to think of when I will see the most people and bake it around that time... I've already started buying the ingredients so, hopefully I can make it happen!

I'm thankful that I'm able to think about this gift idea. Although I won't have the time or the resources to make everyone something this Christmas, I'm thankful for the opportunity to share this small gift to people around me. So... let's make this happen!

151209 Thank you for the chicken noodle soup

A little heart that I found in my soup!

I was craving some sort of noodle today. I was hoping to eat something like pasta or Korean so-myun... but instead, I had dumplings for dinner. The dumplings were good but it didn't satisfy my cravings. Then, while I was cooking dinner, Mr. K messages me and tells me that he made some chicken noodle soup. I was surprised that he made that, because I've never had a real chicken noodle soup before. All I had was from a can. He said he wants me to try some as well, but I couldn't drive over to his place because I didn't have the car. He also couldn't because he wasn't feeling well. So I went back to the kitchen to have my dinner.

Then few minutes later when I checked my phone, I got a message from him that he's leaving his place...! I was shocked because he said he wasn't feeling well. I called him to let me know not to come but he said he already left his house... I felt bad.

In the end, I got to try the chicken noodle soup that he made for the first time! It was good, and it satisfied my cravings. I feel bad that he had to come all the way to my place to drop it off despite his headache, but I'm thankful for his thoughtful heart. Thank you!

151208 Thank you for a friend who checks up on me

Memory from childhood. It was a fun game:)

I have a couple of friends who read my blog on a regular basis. One is Mr. K and the other is one of my best friends from high school. I forget when it was, but I recall being surprised because she had remembered about my blog long after I first told her about it. I didn't think she was following it. I just assumed that people read it when I first shared it, and they might check a couple more times after but I was thinking that they will forget about it as time passes. But my friend was different.

In the past several weeks, I had blogged about my negative feelings. Whenever I wrote something like that, she would either text me or call me to check up on me.  I received a phone call from her, and it was pretty late I think. I was wondering if something had happened to her. But soon after, I found out that the reason she called was because of me. She said that she read my post from a few days ago (the day I wrote how upset I was). She was concerned about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I was so thankful to know that she cared about me and thankful to have a friend like her.

151207 Thank you for the 5 dollar menus

$5 pizza

Food, after food, after food. It sounds like gluttony. Mr. K had purchased something called a "Passport" which allows us to get $5 menus at various restaurants and dessert cafes across the city. It's only valid for two weeks from today. As it was only $5 per dish, we both assumed that the portions will be like a bite size. The first place we went served burgers, and they were regular size. We were both sort of stuffed from the burgers. Then, our second stop was this pizza place where we also thought the size was going to be pretty small. We were wrong... Thankfully we only ordered one.  Between the two of us, we could only finish half and brought the half back home. By this time, we were extremely full and we even had to go for a little walk to digest a bit. We wanted to check out one more place before heading up, and that was my favourite part - desserts! If we had not bought the "Passports" then we would've probably skipped the dessert part. However, since we were already downtown, we decided to stop by one last place.

We definitely ate a lot and it was all good food, and I was thankful that we were able to enjoy the food and the company. But towards the end, I felt a bit guilty of consuming this much food. It was just a couple of nights ago that I watched the documentary "Living on One Dollar." Although the food we had wasn't expensive and we didn't waste food, the fact that we were full but we kept eating because it was cheap... I don't know. I felt a little uneasy about this. I guess it's a good thing that I'm aware of gluttony and poverty. The question now will be, what will I do about this. Right?

151206 Thank you for the reminder to help the poor

At the retreat centre

Since I've logged back on Netflix, I've been watching a lot of documentaries. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep again even though I was tired. Plus, there's a documentary that I wanted to watch so it worked out, I guess. The film that I watched last night was called "Living on One Dollar" - I recommend that you watch it. It's about four college guys who spend two months in a poor village in Guatemala. They wanted to experience what it's like to live in the slums living with a dollar a day. They eat what the locals eat within their income ($1/day), and sleep on the ground in a small hut, getting flea bites.

What was good about it was that they did this experiment to think of ways to help the poor in a long term. I realized that, a lot of times we emphasize on helping the poor but it is for just a brief time. For example, if we make a donation, it will definitely help the family in poverty but it won't last that long.   We have to think about helping these people long term. Teaching and equipping them so that they can help themselves is what's needed, instead of us just helping them. It made me think about in what ways I can help them. These guys in the documentary have studied economics, and they were trying to think of ways for the locals to save up or help them get loans. There are doctors and nurses out there, who can give physical help to these people in poverty. There are architects and construction workers who can design and build a shelter in the poor neighbourhoods. But what can I do?

I think I had thought of this when I first went on missions a few summers ago. I felt like I didn't have any skills that will help the people in poverty, but God still used me. It honestly doesn't matter if I have certain skills or not. As long as I am willing and obedient to God's calling, then He equips me. I've experienced it several times on the mission field. However, it's so easy for me to forget this important fact because a lot of times, I depend on myself. I'm thankful that God reminded me to help the poor, but also thankful for reminding me that it's God who equips us to carry out the things we need to do to help the people in need.

151204 Thank you for the documentaries

So colourful!

I wasn't able to fall asleep last night. I think I was up past 3AM. Like last time, I was thinking about several things that I thought would help me fall asleep, but it didn't work. I prayed, and it didn't work. So I decided to finish a documentary that I was watching earlier during the day called "Twinsters" but even when it finished, I wasn't sleepy. I was scrolling netflix and wondering what else I could watch. Then I came across another documentary called "The Drop Box." This film was in the theatres for a short time earlier this year and I didn't get a chance to watch it. Not that I wanted to, but people around me were talking about it so I was curious on what it was about. I know the gist of it, but I decided to watch it anyway because it wasn't like I was gonna fall asleep anytime soon.

I didn't finish it because my eyes were hurting - I wear glasses but when I'm lying down it's hard for me to wear them when I have my head over my pillow, so I take them off. Then I have to bring my iPad pretty close to me in order for me to see it somewhat clearly. Having the screen so close to my face eventually hurts my eyes... and when I can't take it anymore, I just turn it off. And that's what happened last night also. 

Both documentaries depicted Koreans so it was somewhat relatable. In fact, two films are more or less related to one another, since they both portray abandoned children in Korea. However, I think I was more curious about Twinsters than The Drop Box. It made me wonder what it'll be like to have a twin sister. For a short moment after watching this film, I wished for a twin sister, thinking that she might understand me better than anyone in the world because her and I might think alike. 

151203 Thank you for those who listen, when I need them to just listen

Hydrangeas

I'm really upset right now. All day, I've been just upset and grumpy - there were times when I felt better and laughing, but my day couldn't end just there. Something had to happen bad to make me so upset and angry.

At this very moment, I'm not thankful. I don't even feel like blogging because this all time I was thinking, "what am I gonna blog about today, if I'm so upset?" I set a goal before December that I would do my best to blog every single day this month - and I'm honestly just trying to keep my promise. There were some thankful moments today, but I feel like all that is gone and erased from my head because of what happened tonight. How can I be thankful with this type of attitude and heart I have right now?

I guess I am thankful for my blog. I have somewhere to vent and let my anger out. I'm also thankful that I have God, to whom I can bring all my problems and my negative feelings. Sometimes, I just want someone to listen to me without saying anything. And no one does it better than God. I feel more at peace than before when I began writing my blog today.