160305 Thank you for the joy that gives me hope

:)

There are times when I feel lonely. It feels like everyone, even the ones nearest to me turn their backs to me. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to turn to. I feel it even more when I'm home alone. For the past couple of days, I've been home alone. That also means that I have to eat alone.

I usually don't mind being alone as I'm an introvert and I need some time to myself, but at times like this, eating alone makes me feel even lonelier. I don't know since when, but I started to eat in front of a monitor when I'm eating alone. And I think this is bad because it doesn't allow me to enjoy what I'm eating because my mind is focused on the show. I recall doing this a few years ago, when I had a TV. There was a time that I lived by myself. I hated walking into a pitch dark, and silent home after work.  I was always starving by the time I got home, and I rushed to make myself some dinner, and while I do that, I also prepared the next day's lunch. Once the dinner was ready, it was my routine to turn on the TV and mindlessly watch "The Office" or "Big Bang Theory" as I eat. At the time, it was funny as I watched those shows. But as soon as it was done - the TV show, my meal, and cleaning, the loneliness rushed in once again. Most of the time, I was too tired to feel lonely or think that I am lonely. Anyways, I don't know since when but eating in front of a monitor became a habit, when I'm eating alone.

One of the things I realized that I started doing when I feel lonely is to flip through the photos of the kids from Cambodia. I know it's so random, and maybe some people might find it creepy, but when I look at the photos of the children, it takes me back to Cambodia. It was one of the best moments of my life that I cherish and choose to remember. I was happy. But I was also joyful. Not just because of these kids who brought me smiles, but because I was in tune with God.

Since December or so, I've been feeling that my spiritual life has been rather dry. Thankfully, it's getting better because I've been noticing some positive changes in how I do my devo for the past couple of weeks. I've been reading a book called "Prayer" by Tim Keller with my mentor for some time now, and it's been very helpful to both my mentor and myself. At the end of every chapter, we have been looking for practical ways to apply what we've learned in our lives. I trust that God is using this book to help me get back on track, so that I can be in tune with God again.

Around the time I started my blog, there was so much joy in me. I think I can confidently say that I was a thankful person back then. Unfortunately, things are a bit different now, and I am no longer that thankful person that I used to be. There is no joy in me. Yes, I have days when I feel happy and things give me laughter. But the true joy that I felt deep inside my heart is really hard to find. I think the last time I was so overwhelmed by joy was back in Cambodia and a month or two after Cambodia. Maybe that's why I keep looking back to Cambodia, in order to get a glimpse of this pure joy that I experienced. I know that God desires me to have this joy again, and I'm gonna do my best, with God's help, to be the person I was before.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

We, as Christians, are also to take it as pure joy when we face trials. Maybe this loneliness that I'm going through is also a trial of many kinds, as it is written in James. I'm currently discouraged in many ways but maybe God is telling me to persevere during this time. I'm not sure if I can at the moment, and to be honest, I don't want to. But I know that this is what God wants me to, and I have to trust God and lean on Him for his guidance.