151214 Thank you for my grandfather

Our very last date, December 2009

For the last few days, my family has been worrying about my grandpa's health. It's my dad's father, and he had a stroke a few years ago and since then, he's been in and out of the hospital pretty frequently. He's been in a small hospital/ care giving centre for some time now. My grandpa can no longer walk, and he also has alzheimer's. He also can't communicate well. When I was in Korea this summer, I had a chance to visit him. Sadly, he didn't remember me and it was really hard for me to see him like that. I also got him out from the hospital with a lot of help to go on a mini day trip with my grandma and my aunt. I got a call on Friday evening from my aunt, and I knew that something was up. She shared a bad news that my grandpa's showing signs of pneumonia and he had to be relocated to a bigger hospital. It's really dangerous for old people to get pneumonia and they can die in very soon. The next day, my grandma called my family and updated us that he's doing a bit better and he can now go back to the small hospital. Unfortunately, my grandma didn't really understood what was going on. This morning, my aunt called again and told us that my dad and my mom should come back to Korea asap.

While my parents were out run the errands before they leave for Korea tomorrow morning, I was home alone. Suddenly, the phone rang and it was my aunt calling again. She said she had received a phone call from my grandma that my grandpa is about to pass away. She said her family was rushing to the hospital. She had already asked the doctor to delay the death of my grandpa, so that at least he can live until my parents arrive but nothing could be done. Right after, I called my parents to let them know of the bad news. Then I called my grandpa to see what's going on. She said it was time.

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. 

And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, 

we also know that He will give us what we ask for" 

1 John 5: 14-15

I read this verse last night, and this morning. I kept asking God to let my grandpa live for just a couple of days more until my parents arrive in Korea. I really wanted my dad to see my grandpa before he passed away because, what's the point of him going to Korea after my grandpa passes away? I knew how much my grandpa missed my dad, and I also knew that my dad felt the same way. I kept praying over and over. But God's answer was different from what I had hoped for.

Soon after I called my parents about the bad news, they came back home. We were all silent while waiting for the next phone call. I was hoping for the phone to never ring... hoping that grandpa will get a bit better. Unfortunately, the phone rang and what I heard was something that I didn't want to hear, yet was something my family and I were expecting to hear. It was my aunt, and she announced that my grandpa had passes away. By the time my aunt's family got to the hospital, it was too late. Thankfully, my grandpa wasn't alone at the time he died. My grandma was with him, as he had wished her to be.

My last trip with my grandpa, August 2015.

I read the verse again after the news. I was upset, angry and frustrated with God because I knew that if He wanted to, He can wait a bit before He takes my grandpa away. I wasn't asking God to let my grandpa live for another month or another week. God willing, I'm sure He could've made it happen. However, I must've prayed against His will. God didn't wait for my parents... I was sad, but probably even more sad for my dad. I had wished that my dad will get to see my grandpa one last time. But God had other plans.

I want to trust that God's ways are perfect. I don't know if my grandpa is going to heaven or not. He was a Catholic, and I hope He believed that Christ is his Saviour and Lord. But I'm not sure to be honest. I also prayed that my grandpa will go to heaven, so that I can meet him once again I leave this world too. I just regret so much that I didn't get to ask my grandpa about his belief when I was in Korea this summer. I mean, it might've been challenging to carry out this conversation because he had alzheimer's and he didn't even remember who I was. I know I shouldn't think this, and this is not true, but I keep thinking that if my grandpa doesn't go to heaven then it's all my fault.

I recall the last days of my grandpa when he was still healthy, and when I was in Korea back in 2009. That's the first picture in this post. There are so much regrets when I think about that day, and I am reminded how horrible granddaughter I was. During my time in Korea that year, I was busy always hanging out with friends, and didn't care too much about my family. I don't remember why I met my grandpa that day, but we decided to meet at one of the Korean traditional palaces. I remember meeting him just briefly because I was so busy with my friends that afternoon - we made plans to go see Andy Warhol exhibition nearby the palace. I'm pretty sure I suggested to my grandpa to come to the palace at my convenience. His house wasn't that far but he still had to commute by himself. He was already around 90 at the time. What kind of granddaughter makes her grandpa travel by himself when he's that old? Yes, he was definitely healthy compared to now, but he was still really old. I made him come all the way to the palace, just to spend a little time with him. I was going through my photos that I took that day, comparing the time that the first and the last photo were taken with my grandpa. It was less than 2 hours. All we had was a cup of tea... we didn't even share a meal together.

He looks lonely walking alone, more than ever today.

My mom was in Korea about 3 years ago, when my grandpa just fell ill and had to start staying at a small hospital. At the time, he didn't have alzheimer's so he remembered most of the things. Today, my mom was sharing how he would often say how he missed me and my sister and how he recalled the time him and I went to the palace together. When I heard this, I was heart broken. I didn't think my grandpa would've remembered something such brief like that. But he did.

Looking back, that time was such a precious time for both of us. And it's now something that I can never have again.

Sadly, I don't remember any of the conversations we had that day. Even this, I regret because it was the only time that I spent with my grandpa alone. Ever since I grew up, I don't think I ever had any alone time with my grandpa. The fact that I don't remember any of the things we talked about proves that I didn't consider it special. For me to spend such a little time with him too, and sending him off like that... that was so rude of me. I don't think I can forgive myself for doing that.

I don't remember saying "I love you" to my grandpa. I don't know if he knew. I can't do anything now but to hope that he went to heaven. I really pray that he did. I hope I can see him again.

151212 Thank you for this year's life group

Christmas potluck is always the best:)

Tonight was our life group's year-end/ Christmas party. I can't believe another year's gone by. This was my 4th year in a life group. Although leaders have changed throughout the 4 years and so did the members, it's been always a blessing to be in a life group. I think all of us would agree to say that they've been encouraged by these sisters in Christ this year.

All 4 life groups have been different. Dynamics, the materials we covered, the style that was in, the relationships... As I write this post, I'm trying to think of in what ways each group was different from the other. I think this year's group was the most relatable for me in a way. Not sure why, but I feel like  I felt the most comfortable and I was most honest and open compared to other groups that I participated in? This may not be true, but that's what I think.

I'm thankful for all of the 8 sisters in my life. I pray that they will continue to desire to be holy and to walk with God in the new year as well! Looking forward to sharing life together in the new year as well!

151210 Thank you for the Christmas gift idea

A cute kitchen that captured my attention

"It's that time again" says my sister, after seeing a several packages of ground almond on the kitchen counter. Yes indeed. It's that time again to start a cookie factory. It's not a tradition or anything to bake cookies every Christmas but it's something I enjoy doing and it makes a good gift. I've been looking up recipes online last night and found some I like. I picked the top five I liked. It's not guaranteed that I'm going to bake all five but we shall see. Last year, I did something similar and made four different cookies in one day... and that was fun, yet exhausting! When the cookies were cooled and I was putting them in the jars, I realized that it wasn't gonna be enough. The jars were bigger than I thought. So I quickly made a new batch and that completed my Christmas cookie jars.

I'm planning to do something similar as last year. Currently, it's all in my head and who knows... if I don't have enough time, or don't feel like doing it, then this may not happen. One thing that's hard about this is when to bake. Since I don't put (nor know how to put) preservatives in the cookies, I can't make it and bring it to one party that's happening this week, and save it and bring it to the next week's party. By then, these cookies will get super hard and won't be edible anymore. I just need to think of when I will see the most people and bake it around that time... I've already started buying the ingredients so, hopefully I can make it happen!

I'm thankful that I'm able to think about this gift idea. Although I won't have the time or the resources to make everyone something this Christmas, I'm thankful for the opportunity to share this small gift to people around me. So... let's make this happen!

151209 Thank you for the chicken noodle soup

A little heart that I found in my soup!

I was craving some sort of noodle today. I was hoping to eat something like pasta or Korean so-myun... but instead, I had dumplings for dinner. The dumplings were good but it didn't satisfy my cravings. Then, while I was cooking dinner, Mr. K messages me and tells me that he made some chicken noodle soup. I was surprised that he made that, because I've never had a real chicken noodle soup before. All I had was from a can. He said he wants me to try some as well, but I couldn't drive over to his place because I didn't have the car. He also couldn't because he wasn't feeling well. So I went back to the kitchen to have my dinner.

Then few minutes later when I checked my phone, I got a message from him that he's leaving his place...! I was shocked because he said he wasn't feeling well. I called him to let me know not to come but he said he already left his house... I felt bad.

In the end, I got to try the chicken noodle soup that he made for the first time! It was good, and it satisfied my cravings. I feel bad that he had to come all the way to my place to drop it off despite his headache, but I'm thankful for his thoughtful heart. Thank you!

151208 Thank you for a friend who checks up on me

Memory from childhood. It was a fun game:)

I have a couple of friends who read my blog on a regular basis. One is Mr. K and the other is one of my best friends from high school. I forget when it was, but I recall being surprised because she had remembered about my blog long after I first told her about it. I didn't think she was following it. I just assumed that people read it when I first shared it, and they might check a couple more times after but I was thinking that they will forget about it as time passes. But my friend was different.

In the past several weeks, I had blogged about my negative feelings. Whenever I wrote something like that, she would either text me or call me to check up on me.  I received a phone call from her, and it was pretty late I think. I was wondering if something had happened to her. But soon after, I found out that the reason she called was because of me. She said that she read my post from a few days ago (the day I wrote how upset I was). She was concerned about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I was so thankful to know that she cared about me and thankful to have a friend like her.

151207 Thank you for the 5 dollar menus

$5 pizza

Food, after food, after food. It sounds like gluttony. Mr. K had purchased something called a "Passport" which allows us to get $5 menus at various restaurants and dessert cafes across the city. It's only valid for two weeks from today. As it was only $5 per dish, we both assumed that the portions will be like a bite size. The first place we went served burgers, and they were regular size. We were both sort of stuffed from the burgers. Then, our second stop was this pizza place where we also thought the size was going to be pretty small. We were wrong... Thankfully we only ordered one.  Between the two of us, we could only finish half and brought the half back home. By this time, we were extremely full and we even had to go for a little walk to digest a bit. We wanted to check out one more place before heading up, and that was my favourite part - desserts! If we had not bought the "Passports" then we would've probably skipped the dessert part. However, since we were already downtown, we decided to stop by one last place.

We definitely ate a lot and it was all good food, and I was thankful that we were able to enjoy the food and the company. But towards the end, I felt a bit guilty of consuming this much food. It was just a couple of nights ago that I watched the documentary "Living on One Dollar." Although the food we had wasn't expensive and we didn't waste food, the fact that we were full but we kept eating because it was cheap... I don't know. I felt a little uneasy about this. I guess it's a good thing that I'm aware of gluttony and poverty. The question now will be, what will I do about this. Right?

151206 Thank you for the reminder to help the poor

At the retreat centre

Since I've logged back on Netflix, I've been watching a lot of documentaries. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep again even though I was tired. Plus, there's a documentary that I wanted to watch so it worked out, I guess. The film that I watched last night was called "Living on One Dollar" - I recommend that you watch it. It's about four college guys who spend two months in a poor village in Guatemala. They wanted to experience what it's like to live in the slums living with a dollar a day. They eat what the locals eat within their income ($1/day), and sleep on the ground in a small hut, getting flea bites.

What was good about it was that they did this experiment to think of ways to help the poor in a long term. I realized that, a lot of times we emphasize on helping the poor but it is for just a brief time. For example, if we make a donation, it will definitely help the family in poverty but it won't last that long.   We have to think about helping these people long term. Teaching and equipping them so that they can help themselves is what's needed, instead of us just helping them. It made me think about in what ways I can help them. These guys in the documentary have studied economics, and they were trying to think of ways for the locals to save up or help them get loans. There are doctors and nurses out there, who can give physical help to these people in poverty. There are architects and construction workers who can design and build a shelter in the poor neighbourhoods. But what can I do?

I think I had thought of this when I first went on missions a few summers ago. I felt like I didn't have any skills that will help the people in poverty, but God still used me. It honestly doesn't matter if I have certain skills or not. As long as I am willing and obedient to God's calling, then He equips me. I've experienced it several times on the mission field. However, it's so easy for me to forget this important fact because a lot of times, I depend on myself. I'm thankful that God reminded me to help the poor, but also thankful for reminding me that it's God who equips us to carry out the things we need to do to help the people in need.

151204 Thank you for the documentaries

So colourful!

I wasn't able to fall asleep last night. I think I was up past 3AM. Like last time, I was thinking about several things that I thought would help me fall asleep, but it didn't work. I prayed, and it didn't work. So I decided to finish a documentary that I was watching earlier during the day called "Twinsters" but even when it finished, I wasn't sleepy. I was scrolling netflix and wondering what else I could watch. Then I came across another documentary called "The Drop Box." This film was in the theatres for a short time earlier this year and I didn't get a chance to watch it. Not that I wanted to, but people around me were talking about it so I was curious on what it was about. I know the gist of it, but I decided to watch it anyway because it wasn't like I was gonna fall asleep anytime soon.

I didn't finish it because my eyes were hurting - I wear glasses but when I'm lying down it's hard for me to wear them when I have my head over my pillow, so I take them off. Then I have to bring my iPad pretty close to me in order for me to see it somewhat clearly. Having the screen so close to my face eventually hurts my eyes... and when I can't take it anymore, I just turn it off. And that's what happened last night also. 

Both documentaries depicted Koreans so it was somewhat relatable. In fact, two films are more or less related to one another, since they both portray abandoned children in Korea. However, I think I was more curious about Twinsters than The Drop Box. It made me wonder what it'll be like to have a twin sister. For a short moment after watching this film, I wished for a twin sister, thinking that she might understand me better than anyone in the world because her and I might think alike. 

151203 Thank you for those who listen, when I need them to just listen

Hydrangeas

I'm really upset right now. All day, I've been just upset and grumpy - there were times when I felt better and laughing, but my day couldn't end just there. Something had to happen bad to make me so upset and angry.

At this very moment, I'm not thankful. I don't even feel like blogging because this all time I was thinking, "what am I gonna blog about today, if I'm so upset?" I set a goal before December that I would do my best to blog every single day this month - and I'm honestly just trying to keep my promise. There were some thankful moments today, but I feel like all that is gone and erased from my head because of what happened tonight. How can I be thankful with this type of attitude and heart I have right now?

I guess I am thankful for my blog. I have somewhere to vent and let my anger out. I'm also thankful that I have God, to whom I can bring all my problems and my negative feelings. Sometimes, I just want someone to listen to me without saying anything. And no one does it better than God. I feel more at peace than before when I began writing my blog today.

151202 Thank you for the Christmas decoration

Bunnies!

What a day. It seemed like it was a long day for me, but at the same time, the day went by super fast. I had to go downtown in the morning, and then come back uptown to meet up with a friend. My friend and I to go shopping and decorate the church chapel. We only had briefly talked about it last Sunday to see how we are going to decorate the room. But we never really planned it out so it was hard for us to shop for what we need. Another thing was budget, what we were given seemed a lot at first, but when we started adding things to the shopping cart, it seemed like what we had was not enough at all. Another thing was time - the chapel was being used for something tonight, so we had to clear it out but certain time. My friend and I were stressing ourselves out because we kept thinking that we may not have enough time to finish it today.

Thankfully, it worked out in the end. We finished a little before the chapel was being used. Wrapping up and cleaning  happened pretty fast. And we actually finished it all today! Well, we just need to get a few of the extension cords but otherwise, we are good. By the time we were done, we realized how tired we were! But we were glad and thankful that we were not only done, but it looked pretty good with the budget we had. What's even better, is that we even went under budget. So it all worked out in the end. 

151201 Thank you for the first advent calendar

My first advent calendar is done!

Hello, December!

I've been waiting for December for some time as I have planned something for Mr. K. I've been preparing to make him his first advent calendar. As I was finishing up the project, I was anticipating December to come. First, I was excited to give it to him, and second, my tiny room was getting really messy and crowded with all of those gifts (although they may be small) and rolls of wrapping paper, ribbons and green leaves. In fact, those green leaves were turning brown! 

I had fun planning and making this advent calendar. It was my first one, and I was more excited knowing that it was his first as well. It was stressful at times too, as I couldn't decide on the design or think of what to put in each day. It seems like great ideas always come last minute. I had the entire November to plan and make this, but the idea only came to my mind closer to the end of the month. And as I was wrapping the gifts, more better ideas came to my mind... But I was almost done with the calendar, so sadly, I have to save those ideas for next time.

I hope that Mr. K will enjoying opening a small gift daily, and enjoy the things big and small inside these boxes!

151128 Thank you for those who pray for me

Winter greens.

I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend from church. I'm not sure if I can call her a friend - probably more of an acquaintance. When I was serving in preschool department, she was one of the kids' mom and that's how I got to know her. Her older child graduated from preschool, but now her younger child is in the department. Well, I stopped serving in preschool so I don't have much opportunity to see her. However, she's probably one of the few parents that I know and sometime talk to outside church. She used to work at a gallery before she had children, and since I'm interested in working in that field, we have a mutual interest. About a year ago, we went on a gallery tour together with a couple of her ex-coworkers. This summer, she was also one of the sponsors who financially but also prayerfully supported me for Cambodia missions. And today, she helped me with my resume and cover letter for a gallery position that I'm interested in applying for.

I appreciate all her help and time tonight. It was past 11PM when we hung up the phone. But what I appreciated also was her prayer for me. After we had finished talking about the job application, she offered to pray for me. 99% of the time that I talk to a friend, and when they offer to pray for me, it usually means later in their own time. And it's vice versa. When I offer to pray for someone, I always pray for them later when I get home, or when I hang up if I'm on the phone. I'm very positive that I've never prayed for anyone over the phone, until last week. Mr. K and I started to spend time in prayer for each other. We have prayed for one another on our own, but we don't get to pray for each other in person that often. When we were on the phone last week, talking about praying, we thought it would be good to start that they - on the phone. I felt awkward at first, since I've never prayed over the phone before, but as he started and led, it got easier for me as well. When we met up this week, we took some time to pray for each other and other things on our prayer list, such as Mexico and Cambodia.

Anyways, back to today's story. When my friend said she'd pray for me, I thought she meant later after we hung up. But she said she'd pray now. I was surprised at her answer, but I was also thankful for her initiation and boldness. It's always good to know that someone is praying for me and that in itself is encouraging. However, it's also good to hear someone praying for me. When I hear someone pray for me, I sense that they understand me and the situation I'm in, and I'm more encouraged by it.

I used to hate praying out loud as a child. I'd always ask my mom to write a congregational prayer for me whenever it was my turn to pray on Sunday worship. Not that I love praying out loud now, but I think I became more comfortable at it and understand the importance of praying for people in front of them. As much as I find prayer encouraging, that friend will also find it encouraging too.

151125 Thank you for the dream I had

Probably an hour or two before our team left the orphanage.

In my dream, I was in Cambodia. Actually, it may not have been Cambodia. All I remember is seeing some of the children again. Sometimes, the things that I think about the most or the last few things that I think about or see before I go to bed, comes to life in my dream. For instance, last night I was on Facebook to check something, and a picture at the top of my news feed caught my attention. It was posted by an English teacher at the orphanage. It was the most current pictures of herself, other teachers and some of the kids. It was so good to see those familiar faces. I couldn't believe my eyes because the children seemed like they grew so much since the time I saw them! It's only been a few months and they've already grown that much. I wonder how much they will be changed the next time I visit them.

God must know how much I miss these children and Cambodia, that He lets me meet them in my dreams. I'm happy that I got to see them even it was just a dream. I'm gonna take it as a sign that I will meet them again. It reminds me of some of my last memories of the orphanage. We had some free time in the evening right before we left the orphanage. We had brought sparklers, and we couldn't find a good time to use that because the kids were always in bed when the sun was down. The last evening was perfect for sparklers, as the children's bedtime was being delayed due to our team's departure. The children had so much fun with those sparklers. I remember regretting not buying more. It was very short so there was a bit of sadness, but while the sparklers were sparkling, all of us had fun. It felt like my time in Cambodia - I had an amazing time but it was short and there were some sadness and regrets as I was looking back the couple of weeks I spent there.

After all the fun, some of the children came up to me and told me not to forget them, and even posed against a wall so that I can take a photo of them for my memory. It's so sad to be forgotten, but pain or the hurt of being forgotten to them might be even stronger to them, as most of them probably went through some sort of being abandoned or forgotten by their family and friends, from their past. To some, they might even fear it I wonder. Some of the children asked me and the team members if we were to return next year or some time in the near future. I was told to never promise anything unless I mean it with these kids, because they will take my word for it and if I don't keep it, they will hold a grudge on me. Someone had taught me to say "see you, when I see you," and "see you, when you see me," so that nothing is promised. Before the last day, I kept reminding myself not to promise them, but when the time finally came, it was much harder than I thought. So, did I make a promise? Yes, I did. Not because I was forced to, or because I was moved or because I pitied these children, but because I felt like I was gonna return. I couldn't, and I didn't promise when I will be back, but I said sometime in the future I will return to Cambodia, and to the orphanage to see them again.

I still remember one child chasing after the van that our team was in, calling my name and saying good bye. I think that was one of my fondest memories of Cambodia.

151121 Thank you for Cambodia and Mexico in my heart

One of the flower crowns I got as a gift in Cambodia

Is it insomnia? I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I thought I would be able to fall asleep really easily because I couldn't sleep last night. Plus, I was sleepy when I was coming home from church. I've been in bed for an hour now. I tried everything... Reading a book, praying, making a to do list for tomorrow, and listening to the raindrops. It's so painful. Nothing seems to work. Then I thought of what I miss the most right now. I started thinking about the kids in Cambodia. Soon after, I reached for my iPad and started looking at the videos my team had shared on the Google drive.

The first thought came to my mind was that I couldn't believe that I was there this past summer. Themore time it passes, the more I'm awestruck at the fact that it actually happened. At the time when I was in Cambodia, I remember sharing with my team how the long travel time is worth the pain, because I was so glad, and so thankful to be there. Looking back, I honestly don't know how I survived multiple transfers and almost a full day of being stuck on the airplane. I hate flying. And thinking about it now, as much as I want to go back, I'm definitely not looking forward to flying. All the more, it is God who sent me to Cambodia. I find it miraculous that I was able to go on this mission trip. 

The second thought was how much I loved being with these kids at the orphanage. I miss them, and miss being with them. It wasn't even anything "special." We were playing simple games like "rock, paper, scissors," or the thumb game. Sometimes we went fishing and sometimes we just played soccer together. These were all just typical, ordinary and mundane activities that the children do. But I realize how special they were to me. I enjoyed every single moment, except for that time when the skin of my thumb was almost peeling because I played one too many thumb wars. It was painful, but the kids loved that game so I had to keep playing. 

The third thought was how I am cold hearted and forget so easily. I kind of felt like I betrayed Mexico. It is true that I didn't build relationships with the kids in Mexico because i didn't stay in one neighbourhood. But where is my compassion and love for Mexico? I used to think about it a lot. However, ever since Cambodia, all my attention is going to Cambodia and the orphanage. I rarely think about Mexico. Earlier today, I was surprised at myself. I was in a meeting where the group was discussing ideas for the Christmas party, and making donations. I suggested Cambodia and everything I shared was about the orphanage kids and how much help they need. When I shared this idea and the students' reaction was positive, it gave me so much joy that we could potentially support Cambodia. I was already thinking about what they might need the most right now. Only when someone mentioned Mexico, I realized that I once cared deeply for this country. Up until last year, Mexico would've been my first option and probably the only option for things like this. 

I felt bitter at myself. I felt bad and ashamed too. And I wondered why I was replacing Mexico with Cambodia. They can coexist in my heart but why did I push one out? Or did I push it out? I was shocked and disappointed in myself. I felt like I was betraying Mexico in som sense. 

There is not a specific country which God is telling me to adopt. At least not right now. I feel like God wants me to love and serve the poor children wherever they are. Therefore, I should replace one place with the other, but pray for both and support both. I'm thankful that I realized this today. 

151120 Thank you for the new song that I discovered

Capturing the moment - had to remember it!

I don't remember the last time that I updated my playlist. I've been pretty much listening to the same music over and over again, and I was getting sick of it. It's about time to add some new songs on my phone.

I was driving home from work on Tuesday, and as usual, I was stuck in the rush hour traffic. Usually, I would connect my bluetooth but knowing that Christmas carols were being played on the radio, I tuned in to the Christmas radio station. Then of course, my least favourite song comes out, forcing me to change the station. That's when I came across this song. "Can't sleep love" by Pentatonix. As soon as I heard this song, I fell in love with it and knew that it was gonna make it to my playlist. At the time that I was listening, I didn't realize nor imagined this group to be a capella  group! Now that I've digged some info online, I remember that I've actually heard of this group before. It was a couple of years ago. To be exact, it was a couple of Christmases ago. I've heard a couple of their Christmas a capellas and thought they were awesome.

It's definitely the kind of music that will cheer you up when you have a bad day.

151117 Thank you for the art class

An apple for the teacher

It's fascinating to see how teachable the children can be sometimes. I mean, of course it depends on how intelligent they are in the subject area that is being taught to them. Teaching this art class amazes me because some of the students are really talented, where as some of them (honestly speaking), really suck. Those who suck seem to already know that they do. It's my job to encourage them to keep trying, and help them to do better. This one student struggles with proportions - he draws the body first, and draws the head extremely small. I explained to him about proportions and how to fix it several times but it's really hard for him to comprehend. It's cute to see him and other students make mistakes like that, however, I can also understand their frustrations.

I prepare samples before going to my class. What seemed to be an extra work, and what I found annoying at first has now become enjoyable. I found myself actually enjoying preparing these examples to show my class. The reasons are, one: because it forces me to have a de-stressing time, by  allowing me to make time for lesson planning/ drawing, and two: I like getting compliments from my students. I know, it seems stupid and kind of pathetic to seek for the children's admiration but I recently found myself enjoying hearing the children go "wow" at my simple illustration, that's really nothing to me. I have been feeling defeated in many areas of my life and at times I have been questioning my self worth. I haven't been hearing much compliments lately, so I think this is one area in my life that makes me feel like I'm something. However, I still know that my identity is in Christ, and not in anything else - whether it may be the job title I may have, who's family or daughter I am, who's girlfriend I am, how much money I make, and how famous I may be. But because I am still in the world, often times I am affected by what the world thinks of me.

Another thing I learn from them is their innocence and simplicity. They are definitely different from the kids in Cambodia, but there is still some degree of innocence and simplicity in the children that I teach. Kids are kids, I suppose. I think about the children in Cambodia. I know they too, will also enjoy doing art with me. There are so many things I want to do with them... I'm still praying for the day that I can return to the orphanage to teach these kids, so that they can have fun.  However, more importantly, that they will learn and make it their own, so that they too can teach others. Before going to class today, I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving - how I'm thankful for the abilities and talents that God gave me to use and teach the younger generation. I pray that I won't become boastful in myself, but continue to be humble and give thanks to the Lord who gave me these skills that I have to use for His glory.

151115 Thank you for the first service together

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I had an opportunity to visit a different church. Ever since I started going to my current church, which was about 4 years ago, I have been consistently attending my church. The three years that I've been attending as a member at this church, I grew the most spiritually in my life, I got to know and be in relationships with many great people who have now become my friends and mentors (including Mr. K), I discovered God's vision for me, and I now have a church that I can finally call it my "home church." Anyways, I've been going to the same church every week except for those days when I'm away from home. So it was a good break in a way to attend another church where the service is different, the people are different, the atmosphere is different, yet, the same God is worshipped. What was exciting was that today was the first service that Mr. K and I went together as a couple. I've always wanted to do that but we just never got a chance because he's always busy on Sundays with his service, so we had different worship time. It was good to sing together, read the Bible together and listen to the sermon together, sitting beside each other.

We were invited for dinner at the pastor's family's house that we visited today. They are a good friend of Mr. K and I. They are in their forties, and have been married for a while now. We had a good time of sharing our stories and listening to their stories. There are ups and downs in every relationship, and that's also the case in my relationship with Mr. K as well. But listening to the fun and sometimes not so much fun memories in their dating relationship, engagement, and now as a married couple, encouraged both Mr. K and I. We are so lucky to have friends and mentors like them. As an older couple, but also as more mature bother and sister in Christ, they teach us and provide insights for not only my relationship with Mr. K but also my relationship with others, and most importantly, in my personal walk with Christ. I'm really thankful for their family in my life. I hope to follow their example and be like them when I'm married and have my own place - to be hospitable, caring, loving, sharing, counselling, listening, guiding, praying, encouraging, rebuking, challenging the people around me, especially those who are younger than me.

151111 Thank you for a friend with a similar interest

There were no cars behind me

Spending time with people who share the same interest with me is always fun. I met up with a friend who has a lot of similar interest and passion as I do. It's good to have similarities and I think that allows me to understand that person better and I feel understood by him or her more. Anyways, it was a good time of sharing ideas and planning something fun for the weeks to come.

Also, I started to memorize some new vocabs. I have a vocab book that I borrowed from a friend long long time ago. I only looked at it once and that was it. I feel the need to study and to expand my vocabulary. I hope to retain the words I learn, and to "make it mine" as my dad always emphasizes.

151103 Thank you for a new learning experience

So peaceful and quiet at the end of the day.

18 degrees, was it? It was such a beautiful fall day today. I wanted to go for a bike ride during the day but I missed my chance. I told myself that I'll go for a ride after work... but my plan totally failed. I completely forgot about the daylight savings...! We're back to our normal time and because of that, the sun sets an hour early. Great... By the time I was driving back home was pretty much pitch dark.

Through my art class, I'm learning things that I didn't really know about teaching before. I guess there are two main things I learned today. One is to be fair to everyone. It seems so easy and straight forward, and I think I am pretty fair to my students. However, there are certain decisions I make that I don't really think about the results and that leads to unfairness. Stupidly, it doesn't cross my mind at the time I make the decision. It only comes to my realization, only at the end, when I see how the students react. For example, I make samples for each class to demonstrate what I'm explaining. One of the students asked me if he can have the sample that I made. At first, I said I'll think about it. I had forgotten about it, and I thought he would also have forgotten about it too. However, he kept on asking me if he can have it, and I kept telling him the same answer. When the class time was over and the kids were getting ready to go home, he asked me again if he can have the sample. I didn't really give much thought and I was busy wrapping up the class, I just said yes to him. Plus, no one else had asked me if they can have it either so I guess I didn't really think that others might want it too. Soon after, a girl came to me and asked me if she can have the other sample I made. I think that's when I realized that I had done something wrong. I shouldn't have given anyone anything in the first place. If I wanted to give something, then I should have done it equally to everyone else. Unless, they deserve something special that they might've achieved.

Second, I need to be more stern with the students, especially with the rowdy ones. I thought I was always pretty tough, though not necessarily a bad cop. But maybe even that was too gentle. You just gotta be mean sometimes. I want to be loving but also be able to discipline well when needed. It's hard to find a balance.

Also, I experienced the after work rush hour traffic. I've had rush hour traffics before, but it was never on my way home from work. It was frustrating indeed, especially since it was so dark out and I couldn't enjoy the scenery. It takes me about 20 minutes to get to the school, but it takes 40 minutes to get home. Now I know how this feels...

151031 Thank you for being my healer

Alone.

When I was outside, I wasn't feeling too well. It was hard for me to drive so I had to park my car somewhere to just calm down for some time. Something had happened and I felt hurt, I felt embarrassed, I felt upset, I felt mistreated, I felt resentful, I felt frustrated, I felt angry and I felt defeated. It was a combination of all the bad and negative feelings that one could possibly feel. It was too much for me to handle. I didn't know what to do. At first, I was crying out loud. Then I was wondering why I was crying. I felt stupid that something like this was easily bothering me. I felt like I was wasting my energy on things that I can just forget about and move on. Then I was sitting in silence. I had to clear my mind and my heart. Then I felt like giving up. I felt like there's no point of trying on something that doesn't even work. I was in despair. So I prayed to God expressing these things that were going on. 

After I pulled myself back again, I started driving again. My playlist automatically turns on when I start the car engine. And soon after, I heard these words:

"Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms are fortress for the weak."

As soon as I realized what the lyrics was saying, it brought tears to my eyes. I can be still even at times like this because there is a healer. And He loves me so much and even though everyone might turn their backs to me and even though I may be left alone and rejected, I know that God always loves me. I was hopeful because of this truth. His love is all I need and His love is the best. I don't need anything else. 

I got home, and I tried to distract myself from keep thinking negatively about what had happened. I wanted to keep my mind off the situation. I tried to read the Bible and it wasn't really working. I then watched a funny show. It may have been good while I was watching it, but I felt so empty afterwards. I felt like I just wasted my time. That's when I was reminded how I need to find comfort in God alone. All the comfort that the world offers, it's only temporary. But the rest that God gives is peace.

I want to share this song with you as well. It's called "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin. I love this song, and I sing it out loud whenever it plays on my playlist. But the first part of the lyrics never really stood out to me until today. I hope that this song will also help you seek God, knowing that He is the healer, refuge, strength, comforter and peace. 

I Lift My Hands - Chris Tomlin

Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart

These things, I remember

You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river

That flows from Calvary's tree

A fountain for the thirsty

Pure grace that washes over me

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart

These things, I remember

You are faithful, God, forever

151030 Thank you for the night of prayer for Cambodia

Cheong Ek Killing Field, Cambodia

It was a night of information and prayer at my church. The missionary sent to Cambodia who is sponsored by my church is back at home for her home assignment and tonight's Concert of Prayer was dedicated for her to share her report and also to pray for this broken country.

It was informative in a sense that I learned more about this country that God loves so much, and that I have fallen in love with. Although I didn't get to know in depth about it, I was able to gain general knowledge on the population, geography, history, religion, politics, economy and social aspects of Cambodia.

Unfortunately, I had to miss the second half which was the part where the missionary shared about the orphanage and the children. However, because I've experienced a glimpse of it while I was in Cambodia the past summer, I know some of the prayers that are needed. 

I'm thankful for the church and the community for their love and support for Cambodia and also the missionary. It's so amazing to see how people can come together and share the love and support in prayer. More than financial and physical help, prayer is needed for not only the orphanage but also for Cambodia as the country. It was a good reminder for myself to continue to pray for them.

151029 Thank you for the new places to visit

Last days of fall, 2015

I had an opportunity to go downtown today for a lunch date and some driving around Toronto. It's always exciting to check out a new place, whether it be a restaurant, a cafe, a park, and etc. All three places that we stopped by today were new to us. Lunch was mediocre, the company was better. After our lunch date, we made a spontaneous visit to the Allan Gardens - somewhere I've been wanting to go, but never really had the chance to. It was pretty interesting. It wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be but I was surprised that there was a garden as such in Toronto. I think I enjoyed walking around the park more than walking around the actual greenhouse. When I used to work downtown, I passed by this park several times but I guess I never really felt like making a detour on my way home. I would like to go back in December as they have a Christmas flower show and also in other seasons to see seasonal flowers. The last stop we made on the way home was a local grocery store. It may seem mundane but I love taking my time to look around the grocery store. It was a short time spent together but I felt like I was able to enjoy the last days of fall. I'm thankful for all these new places that we were able to visit.

151021 Thank you for the good and the bad weathers of autumn

This isn't the street that I mentioned in today's entry, but still pretty.

I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to enjoy Fall this year. Well, I sort of did but only a couple of times - once last week and once the week before. Both times I went to Edwards Gardens. It was a nice getaway from the city life, just going for a stroll and looking at the fall colours. It was satisfying but I think I could use a bit more of the "fallness" before all the leaves fall down and it starts to snow.

I got really sad today as I drove by my neighbourhood. Just last week, the road looked so beautiful with bright yellow leaves waving their hands at me as I drove under. But today, almost half was bare... It reminded me how short this season is. I haven't done anything and soon it will be over. I started wondering why I had not gone up north to see the colours. Sometimes plans were made but had to be cancelled because of the bad weather (it rained so much this October), sickness, busyness, etc. Once I realized that I didn't get to enjoy autumn as much I wanted this year, I wanted to go somewhere today - either to walk or to bike. But then I remembered that it's supposed to rain this evening. It may not be a good weather for biking, but the autumn rain brings a different kind of beauty. As long as it's not too cold, and of course, as long as it's not pouring, I think I can go for a walk. This week, and if we're lucky, next week will be the last days of autumn. So enjoy it while it lasts!

Oh, and another thing I realized today is that I sort of stopped listening to jazz. I usually listen to the radio when I drive, but now that I connected my phone to my car, I listen to my short playlist over and over. So, unfortunately there hasn't been any new addition to my playlist in a really long time. Fall is the perfect time to listen to jazz... it's a shame that I'm not doing it.

151020 Thank you for the first day of class

I recently got a new job as an art teacher. Today was my first class and I think it went slower than I expected. I had planned a lot and even that wasn't enough. I think the reason for that was because the students were older. At first, I thought I was gonna teach the lower grades but I got the older grades and because they are faster at doing things, they just finished everything quicker than the time I had given them. So we actually got more stuff done than what I planned. I guess it's a good thing. There were supposed to be ten kids in total, but it ended up being sixteen. This also made a slight change in my plan. Regardless, I think it went okay for a first day. It could've been better. I just need to change some things here and there and hopefully, things will go much smoother.

One thing I realized today was that it's hard to teach in Canada. At the beginning of the class, one parent told me that her child has ADHD, and during the class, one student tells me that she is visually impaired when I turned off the light to demonstrate light and shading. These are the things that I never thought of going into this class. Back when I was a student, at least when I was in elementary school, I don't think my teacher knew any of these. To be honest, I don't think they really cared and these mental health issues weren't really known.

I wonder since when they classified students that they are this or they are that. I don't know anything about mental disorders, but I wonder how much help this brings to a student. Maybe it's a good thing to know what their weaknesses are, but I wonder, in some degree, if they are setting a barrier that says "don't expect much from us because we are ADHD" or whatever the issue may be. Anyways, there are so many things to be aware of in a classroom.

151019 Thank you for the time to lesson plan

My first time hand-picking flowers and making a bouquet!

I haven't been doing so well lately - physically and emotionally. I caught a cold a little more than a week ago. It started off really bad with sinus. I purposely didn't take any medicine because I wanted and believed that my body could fight it off. I tried my best to take as much as vitamin C and drink lots of water. I guess I'm a hypocrite since I always tell my family and friends to take medication when they're sick, but I don't take anything when I'm sick. I mean, I do take pills but only when I know I need them. I'm not sure if it's because of my cold or because of my stress, I've been getting frequent nose bleeds lately. Including today's nose bleed, I had three in total in the last week. But then, it's not much to worry about because I think I get it from my dad. He has a weak nose and gets nose bleeds all the time. I still have a bit of runny nose and I kinda sound funny but my cold is almost gone, so I'm thankful for that.

Despite all the things going on in my life, I'm thankful that I have something to focus on. Focusing on something I enjoy helps me destress. Lesson planning always seems time consuming and stressful at first, but when I get it going and when the ideas pop up in my head, I get really excited. As I was spending time doing research and planning for my class, I was able to put aside my stress. I am nervous but more excited about the class that I'll be teaching.

Hopefully I can have a good night's sleep as well. That's another thing. I keep waking up from my sleep in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if it's my sleeping posture that's making me uncomfortable or something's stressing me out. Maybe I gotta tire myself out from working out or something to get a good night's rest!

151010 Thank you for a basketball practice

Fall colours

It's my third year joining my church's basketball league. Before I share anything, let me tell you that I do not enjoy doing any kind of sports, because I am probably one of the least flexible people alive. I was always the slowest at running during track and field, and hence, I never won any ribbons when I was in elementary school. I haven't played any team sports since grade 9 phys ed... until I joined my church's basketball league and softball league. So to join a league like this is a huge step for me. I enjoyed it in the past couple of years that I joined these sports ministry, so I decided to join again this year. I didn't enjoy softball as much to be honest. But with basketball, I feel like I'm learning and getting better little by little with a help of our basketball coach, and the girls who play with me. They've been really encouraging and helpful, although I am pretty much the worst player on the league.

Anyways, there was a morning workshop today where we practiced dribbling and shooting. Although I learned these basics last year, I completely forgot to put them into practice this year. It was really helpful that we went over them again thoroughly today. I just need to keep practicing so that my body will remember. Sadly, tomorrow's game is cancelled because of Thanksgiving. I just hope that I won't forget these basics this time and put them into practice when I actually play.

I'm thankful for an opportunity like this to learn basketball and also have people around me who are challenging and also encouraging me to learn together. It's always good to learn something new.