151121 Thank you for Cambodia and Mexico in my heart

One of the flower crowns I got as a gift in Cambodia

Is it insomnia? I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I thought I would be able to fall asleep really easily because I couldn't sleep last night. Plus, I was sleepy when I was coming home from church. I've been in bed for an hour now. I tried everything... Reading a book, praying, making a to do list for tomorrow, and listening to the raindrops. It's so painful. Nothing seems to work. Then I thought of what I miss the most right now. I started thinking about the kids in Cambodia. Soon after, I reached for my iPad and started looking at the videos my team had shared on the Google drive.

The first thought came to my mind was that I couldn't believe that I was there this past summer. Themore time it passes, the more I'm awestruck at the fact that it actually happened. At the time when I was in Cambodia, I remember sharing with my team how the long travel time is worth the pain, because I was so glad, and so thankful to be there. Looking back, I honestly don't know how I survived multiple transfers and almost a full day of being stuck on the airplane. I hate flying. And thinking about it now, as much as I want to go back, I'm definitely not looking forward to flying. All the more, it is God who sent me to Cambodia. I find it miraculous that I was able to go on this mission trip. 

The second thought was how much I loved being with these kids at the orphanage. I miss them, and miss being with them. It wasn't even anything "special." We were playing simple games like "rock, paper, scissors," or the thumb game. Sometimes we went fishing and sometimes we just played soccer together. These were all just typical, ordinary and mundane activities that the children do. But I realize how special they were to me. I enjoyed every single moment, except for that time when the skin of my thumb was almost peeling because I played one too many thumb wars. It was painful, but the kids loved that game so I had to keep playing. 

The third thought was how I am cold hearted and forget so easily. I kind of felt like I betrayed Mexico. It is true that I didn't build relationships with the kids in Mexico because i didn't stay in one neighbourhood. But where is my compassion and love for Mexico? I used to think about it a lot. However, ever since Cambodia, all my attention is going to Cambodia and the orphanage. I rarely think about Mexico. Earlier today, I was surprised at myself. I was in a meeting where the group was discussing ideas for the Christmas party, and making donations. I suggested Cambodia and everything I shared was about the orphanage kids and how much help they need. When I shared this idea and the students' reaction was positive, it gave me so much joy that we could potentially support Cambodia. I was already thinking about what they might need the most right now. Only when someone mentioned Mexico, I realized that I once cared deeply for this country. Up until last year, Mexico would've been my first option and probably the only option for things like this. 

I felt bitter at myself. I felt bad and ashamed too. And I wondered why I was replacing Mexico with Cambodia. They can coexist in my heart but why did I push one out? Or did I push it out? I was shocked and disappointed in myself. I felt like I was betraying Mexico in som sense. 

There is not a specific country which God is telling me to adopt. At least not right now. I feel like God wants me to love and serve the poor children wherever they are. Therefore, I should replace one place with the other, but pray for both and support both. I'm thankful that I realized this today.