151128 Thank you for those who pray for me

Winter greens.

I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend from church. I'm not sure if I can call her a friend - probably more of an acquaintance. When I was serving in preschool department, she was one of the kids' mom and that's how I got to know her. Her older child graduated from preschool, but now her younger child is in the department. Well, I stopped serving in preschool so I don't have much opportunity to see her. However, she's probably one of the few parents that I know and sometime talk to outside church. She used to work at a gallery before she had children, and since I'm interested in working in that field, we have a mutual interest. About a year ago, we went on a gallery tour together with a couple of her ex-coworkers. This summer, she was also one of the sponsors who financially but also prayerfully supported me for Cambodia missions. And today, she helped me with my resume and cover letter for a gallery position that I'm interested in applying for.

I appreciate all her help and time tonight. It was past 11PM when we hung up the phone. But what I appreciated also was her prayer for me. After we had finished talking about the job application, she offered to pray for me. 99% of the time that I talk to a friend, and when they offer to pray for me, it usually means later in their own time. And it's vice versa. When I offer to pray for someone, I always pray for them later when I get home, or when I hang up if I'm on the phone. I'm very positive that I've never prayed for anyone over the phone, until last week. Mr. K and I started to spend time in prayer for each other. We have prayed for one another on our own, but we don't get to pray for each other in person that often. When we were on the phone last week, talking about praying, we thought it would be good to start that they - on the phone. I felt awkward at first, since I've never prayed over the phone before, but as he started and led, it got easier for me as well. When we met up this week, we took some time to pray for each other and other things on our prayer list, such as Mexico and Cambodia.

Anyways, back to today's story. When my friend said she'd pray for me, I thought she meant later after we hung up. But she said she'd pray now. I was surprised at her answer, but I was also thankful for her initiation and boldness. It's always good to know that someone is praying for me and that in itself is encouraging. However, it's also good to hear someone praying for me. When I hear someone pray for me, I sense that they understand me and the situation I'm in, and I'm more encouraged by it.

I used to hate praying out loud as a child. I'd always ask my mom to write a congregational prayer for me whenever it was my turn to pray on Sunday worship. Not that I love praying out loud now, but I think I became more comfortable at it and understand the importance of praying for people in front of them. As much as I find prayer encouraging, that friend will also find it encouraging too.

151125 Thank you for the dream I had

Probably an hour or two before our team left the orphanage.

In my dream, I was in Cambodia. Actually, it may not have been Cambodia. All I remember is seeing some of the children again. Sometimes, the things that I think about the most or the last few things that I think about or see before I go to bed, comes to life in my dream. For instance, last night I was on Facebook to check something, and a picture at the top of my news feed caught my attention. It was posted by an English teacher at the orphanage. It was the most current pictures of herself, other teachers and some of the kids. It was so good to see those familiar faces. I couldn't believe my eyes because the children seemed like they grew so much since the time I saw them! It's only been a few months and they've already grown that much. I wonder how much they will be changed the next time I visit them.

God must know how much I miss these children and Cambodia, that He lets me meet them in my dreams. I'm happy that I got to see them even it was just a dream. I'm gonna take it as a sign that I will meet them again. It reminds me of some of my last memories of the orphanage. We had some free time in the evening right before we left the orphanage. We had brought sparklers, and we couldn't find a good time to use that because the kids were always in bed when the sun was down. The last evening was perfect for sparklers, as the children's bedtime was being delayed due to our team's departure. The children had so much fun with those sparklers. I remember regretting not buying more. It was very short so there was a bit of sadness, but while the sparklers were sparkling, all of us had fun. It felt like my time in Cambodia - I had an amazing time but it was short and there were some sadness and regrets as I was looking back the couple of weeks I spent there.

After all the fun, some of the children came up to me and told me not to forget them, and even posed against a wall so that I can take a photo of them for my memory. It's so sad to be forgotten, but pain or the hurt of being forgotten to them might be even stronger to them, as most of them probably went through some sort of being abandoned or forgotten by their family and friends, from their past. To some, they might even fear it I wonder. Some of the children asked me and the team members if we were to return next year or some time in the near future. I was told to never promise anything unless I mean it with these kids, because they will take my word for it and if I don't keep it, they will hold a grudge on me. Someone had taught me to say "see you, when I see you," and "see you, when you see me," so that nothing is promised. Before the last day, I kept reminding myself not to promise them, but when the time finally came, it was much harder than I thought. So, did I make a promise? Yes, I did. Not because I was forced to, or because I was moved or because I pitied these children, but because I felt like I was gonna return. I couldn't, and I didn't promise when I will be back, but I said sometime in the future I will return to Cambodia, and to the orphanage to see them again.

I still remember one child chasing after the van that our team was in, calling my name and saying good bye. I think that was one of my fondest memories of Cambodia.

151121 Thank you for Cambodia and Mexico in my heart

One of the flower crowns I got as a gift in Cambodia

Is it insomnia? I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I thought I would be able to fall asleep really easily because I couldn't sleep last night. Plus, I was sleepy when I was coming home from church. I've been in bed for an hour now. I tried everything... Reading a book, praying, making a to do list for tomorrow, and listening to the raindrops. It's so painful. Nothing seems to work. Then I thought of what I miss the most right now. I started thinking about the kids in Cambodia. Soon after, I reached for my iPad and started looking at the videos my team had shared on the Google drive.

The first thought came to my mind was that I couldn't believe that I was there this past summer. Themore time it passes, the more I'm awestruck at the fact that it actually happened. At the time when I was in Cambodia, I remember sharing with my team how the long travel time is worth the pain, because I was so glad, and so thankful to be there. Looking back, I honestly don't know how I survived multiple transfers and almost a full day of being stuck on the airplane. I hate flying. And thinking about it now, as much as I want to go back, I'm definitely not looking forward to flying. All the more, it is God who sent me to Cambodia. I find it miraculous that I was able to go on this mission trip. 

The second thought was how much I loved being with these kids at the orphanage. I miss them, and miss being with them. It wasn't even anything "special." We were playing simple games like "rock, paper, scissors," or the thumb game. Sometimes we went fishing and sometimes we just played soccer together. These were all just typical, ordinary and mundane activities that the children do. But I realize how special they were to me. I enjoyed every single moment, except for that time when the skin of my thumb was almost peeling because I played one too many thumb wars. It was painful, but the kids loved that game so I had to keep playing. 

The third thought was how I am cold hearted and forget so easily. I kind of felt like I betrayed Mexico. It is true that I didn't build relationships with the kids in Mexico because i didn't stay in one neighbourhood. But where is my compassion and love for Mexico? I used to think about it a lot. However, ever since Cambodia, all my attention is going to Cambodia and the orphanage. I rarely think about Mexico. Earlier today, I was surprised at myself. I was in a meeting where the group was discussing ideas for the Christmas party, and making donations. I suggested Cambodia and everything I shared was about the orphanage kids and how much help they need. When I shared this idea and the students' reaction was positive, it gave me so much joy that we could potentially support Cambodia. I was already thinking about what they might need the most right now. Only when someone mentioned Mexico, I realized that I once cared deeply for this country. Up until last year, Mexico would've been my first option and probably the only option for things like this. 

I felt bitter at myself. I felt bad and ashamed too. And I wondered why I was replacing Mexico with Cambodia. They can coexist in my heart but why did I push one out? Or did I push it out? I was shocked and disappointed in myself. I felt like I was betraying Mexico in som sense. 

There is not a specific country which God is telling me to adopt. At least not right now. I feel like God wants me to love and serve the poor children wherever they are. Therefore, I should replace one place with the other, but pray for both and support both. I'm thankful that I realized this today. 

151120 Thank you for the new song that I discovered

Capturing the moment - had to remember it!

I don't remember the last time that I updated my playlist. I've been pretty much listening to the same music over and over again, and I was getting sick of it. It's about time to add some new songs on my phone.

I was driving home from work on Tuesday, and as usual, I was stuck in the rush hour traffic. Usually, I would connect my bluetooth but knowing that Christmas carols were being played on the radio, I tuned in to the Christmas radio station. Then of course, my least favourite song comes out, forcing me to change the station. That's when I came across this song. "Can't sleep love" by Pentatonix. As soon as I heard this song, I fell in love with it and knew that it was gonna make it to my playlist. At the time that I was listening, I didn't realize nor imagined this group to be a capella  group! Now that I've digged some info online, I remember that I've actually heard of this group before. It was a couple of years ago. To be exact, it was a couple of Christmases ago. I've heard a couple of their Christmas a capellas and thought they were awesome.

It's definitely the kind of music that will cheer you up when you have a bad day.

151117 Thank you for the art class

An apple for the teacher

It's fascinating to see how teachable the children can be sometimes. I mean, of course it depends on how intelligent they are in the subject area that is being taught to them. Teaching this art class amazes me because some of the students are really talented, where as some of them (honestly speaking), really suck. Those who suck seem to already know that they do. It's my job to encourage them to keep trying, and help them to do better. This one student struggles with proportions - he draws the body first, and draws the head extremely small. I explained to him about proportions and how to fix it several times but it's really hard for him to comprehend. It's cute to see him and other students make mistakes like that, however, I can also understand their frustrations.

I prepare samples before going to my class. What seemed to be an extra work, and what I found annoying at first has now become enjoyable. I found myself actually enjoying preparing these examples to show my class. The reasons are, one: because it forces me to have a de-stressing time, by  allowing me to make time for lesson planning/ drawing, and two: I like getting compliments from my students. I know, it seems stupid and kind of pathetic to seek for the children's admiration but I recently found myself enjoying hearing the children go "wow" at my simple illustration, that's really nothing to me. I have been feeling defeated in many areas of my life and at times I have been questioning my self worth. I haven't been hearing much compliments lately, so I think this is one area in my life that makes me feel like I'm something. However, I still know that my identity is in Christ, and not in anything else - whether it may be the job title I may have, who's family or daughter I am, who's girlfriend I am, how much money I make, and how famous I may be. But because I am still in the world, often times I am affected by what the world thinks of me.

Another thing I learn from them is their innocence and simplicity. They are definitely different from the kids in Cambodia, but there is still some degree of innocence and simplicity in the children that I teach. Kids are kids, I suppose. I think about the children in Cambodia. I know they too, will also enjoy doing art with me. There are so many things I want to do with them... I'm still praying for the day that I can return to the orphanage to teach these kids, so that they can have fun.  However, more importantly, that they will learn and make it their own, so that they too can teach others. Before going to class today, I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving - how I'm thankful for the abilities and talents that God gave me to use and teach the younger generation. I pray that I won't become boastful in myself, but continue to be humble and give thanks to the Lord who gave me these skills that I have to use for His glory.

151115 Thank you for the first service together

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I had an opportunity to visit a different church. Ever since I started going to my current church, which was about 4 years ago, I have been consistently attending my church. The three years that I've been attending as a member at this church, I grew the most spiritually in my life, I got to know and be in relationships with many great people who have now become my friends and mentors (including Mr. K), I discovered God's vision for me, and I now have a church that I can finally call it my "home church." Anyways, I've been going to the same church every week except for those days when I'm away from home. So it was a good break in a way to attend another church where the service is different, the people are different, the atmosphere is different, yet, the same God is worshipped. What was exciting was that today was the first service that Mr. K and I went together as a couple. I've always wanted to do that but we just never got a chance because he's always busy on Sundays with his service, so we had different worship time. It was good to sing together, read the Bible together and listen to the sermon together, sitting beside each other.

We were invited for dinner at the pastor's family's house that we visited today. They are a good friend of Mr. K and I. They are in their forties, and have been married for a while now. We had a good time of sharing our stories and listening to their stories. There are ups and downs in every relationship, and that's also the case in my relationship with Mr. K as well. But listening to the fun and sometimes not so much fun memories in their dating relationship, engagement, and now as a married couple, encouraged both Mr. K and I. We are so lucky to have friends and mentors like them. As an older couple, but also as more mature bother and sister in Christ, they teach us and provide insights for not only my relationship with Mr. K but also my relationship with others, and most importantly, in my personal walk with Christ. I'm really thankful for their family in my life. I hope to follow their example and be like them when I'm married and have my own place - to be hospitable, caring, loving, sharing, counselling, listening, guiding, praying, encouraging, rebuking, challenging the people around me, especially those who are younger than me.

151111 Thank you for a friend with a similar interest

There were no cars behind me

Spending time with people who share the same interest with me is always fun. I met up with a friend who has a lot of similar interest and passion as I do. It's good to have similarities and I think that allows me to understand that person better and I feel understood by him or her more. Anyways, it was a good time of sharing ideas and planning something fun for the weeks to come.

Also, I started to memorize some new vocabs. I have a vocab book that I borrowed from a friend long long time ago. I only looked at it once and that was it. I feel the need to study and to expand my vocabulary. I hope to retain the words I learn, and to "make it mine" as my dad always emphasizes.

151103 Thank you for a new learning experience

So peaceful and quiet at the end of the day.

18 degrees, was it? It was such a beautiful fall day today. I wanted to go for a bike ride during the day but I missed my chance. I told myself that I'll go for a ride after work... but my plan totally failed. I completely forgot about the daylight savings...! We're back to our normal time and because of that, the sun sets an hour early. Great... By the time I was driving back home was pretty much pitch dark.

Through my art class, I'm learning things that I didn't really know about teaching before. I guess there are two main things I learned today. One is to be fair to everyone. It seems so easy and straight forward, and I think I am pretty fair to my students. However, there are certain decisions I make that I don't really think about the results and that leads to unfairness. Stupidly, it doesn't cross my mind at the time I make the decision. It only comes to my realization, only at the end, when I see how the students react. For example, I make samples for each class to demonstrate what I'm explaining. One of the students asked me if he can have the sample that I made. At first, I said I'll think about it. I had forgotten about it, and I thought he would also have forgotten about it too. However, he kept on asking me if he can have it, and I kept telling him the same answer. When the class time was over and the kids were getting ready to go home, he asked me again if he can have the sample. I didn't really give much thought and I was busy wrapping up the class, I just said yes to him. Plus, no one else had asked me if they can have it either so I guess I didn't really think that others might want it too. Soon after, a girl came to me and asked me if she can have the other sample I made. I think that's when I realized that I had done something wrong. I shouldn't have given anyone anything in the first place. If I wanted to give something, then I should have done it equally to everyone else. Unless, they deserve something special that they might've achieved.

Second, I need to be more stern with the students, especially with the rowdy ones. I thought I was always pretty tough, though not necessarily a bad cop. But maybe even that was too gentle. You just gotta be mean sometimes. I want to be loving but also be able to discipline well when needed. It's hard to find a balance.

Also, I experienced the after work rush hour traffic. I've had rush hour traffics before, but it was never on my way home from work. It was frustrating indeed, especially since it was so dark out and I couldn't enjoy the scenery. It takes me about 20 minutes to get to the school, but it takes 40 minutes to get home. Now I know how this feels...

151031 Thank you for being my healer

Alone.

When I was outside, I wasn't feeling too well. It was hard for me to drive so I had to park my car somewhere to just calm down for some time. Something had happened and I felt hurt, I felt embarrassed, I felt upset, I felt mistreated, I felt resentful, I felt frustrated, I felt angry and I felt defeated. It was a combination of all the bad and negative feelings that one could possibly feel. It was too much for me to handle. I didn't know what to do. At first, I was crying out loud. Then I was wondering why I was crying. I felt stupid that something like this was easily bothering me. I felt like I was wasting my energy on things that I can just forget about and move on. Then I was sitting in silence. I had to clear my mind and my heart. Then I felt like giving up. I felt like there's no point of trying on something that doesn't even work. I was in despair. So I prayed to God expressing these things that were going on. 

After I pulled myself back again, I started driving again. My playlist automatically turns on when I start the car engine. And soon after, I heard these words:

"Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms are fortress for the weak."

As soon as I realized what the lyrics was saying, it brought tears to my eyes. I can be still even at times like this because there is a healer. And He loves me so much and even though everyone might turn their backs to me and even though I may be left alone and rejected, I know that God always loves me. I was hopeful because of this truth. His love is all I need and His love is the best. I don't need anything else. 

I got home, and I tried to distract myself from keep thinking negatively about what had happened. I wanted to keep my mind off the situation. I tried to read the Bible and it wasn't really working. I then watched a funny show. It may have been good while I was watching it, but I felt so empty afterwards. I felt like I just wasted my time. That's when I was reminded how I need to find comfort in God alone. All the comfort that the world offers, it's only temporary. But the rest that God gives is peace.

I want to share this song with you as well. It's called "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin. I love this song, and I sing it out loud whenever it plays on my playlist. But the first part of the lyrics never really stood out to me until today. I hope that this song will also help you seek God, knowing that He is the healer, refuge, strength, comforter and peace. 

I Lift My Hands - Chris Tomlin

Be still, there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart

These things, I remember

You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river

That flows from Calvary's tree

A fountain for the thirsty

Pure grace that washes over me

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart

These things, I remember

You are faithful, God, forever