151214 Thank you for my grandfather

Our very last date, December 2009

For the last few days, my family has been worrying about my grandpa's health. It's my dad's father, and he had a stroke a few years ago and since then, he's been in and out of the hospital pretty frequently. He's been in a small hospital/ care giving centre for some time now. My grandpa can no longer walk, and he also has alzheimer's. He also can't communicate well. When I was in Korea this summer, I had a chance to visit him. Sadly, he didn't remember me and it was really hard for me to see him like that. I also got him out from the hospital with a lot of help to go on a mini day trip with my grandma and my aunt. I got a call on Friday evening from my aunt, and I knew that something was up. She shared a bad news that my grandpa's showing signs of pneumonia and he had to be relocated to a bigger hospital. It's really dangerous for old people to get pneumonia and they can die in very soon. The next day, my grandma called my family and updated us that he's doing a bit better and he can now go back to the small hospital. Unfortunately, my grandma didn't really understood what was going on. This morning, my aunt called again and told us that my dad and my mom should come back to Korea asap.

While my parents were out run the errands before they leave for Korea tomorrow morning, I was home alone. Suddenly, the phone rang and it was my aunt calling again. She said she had received a phone call from my grandma that my grandpa is about to pass away. She said her family was rushing to the hospital. She had already asked the doctor to delay the death of my grandpa, so that at least he can live until my parents arrive but nothing could be done. Right after, I called my parents to let them know of the bad news. Then I called my grandpa to see what's going on. She said it was time.

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. 

And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, 

we also know that He will give us what we ask for" 

1 John 5: 14-15

I read this verse last night, and this morning. I kept asking God to let my grandpa live for just a couple of days more until my parents arrive in Korea. I really wanted my dad to see my grandpa before he passed away because, what's the point of him going to Korea after my grandpa passes away? I knew how much my grandpa missed my dad, and I also knew that my dad felt the same way. I kept praying over and over. But God's answer was different from what I had hoped for.

Soon after I called my parents about the bad news, they came back home. We were all silent while waiting for the next phone call. I was hoping for the phone to never ring... hoping that grandpa will get a bit better. Unfortunately, the phone rang and what I heard was something that I didn't want to hear, yet was something my family and I were expecting to hear. It was my aunt, and she announced that my grandpa had passes away. By the time my aunt's family got to the hospital, it was too late. Thankfully, my grandpa wasn't alone at the time he died. My grandma was with him, as he had wished her to be.

My last trip with my grandpa, August 2015.

I read the verse again after the news. I was upset, angry and frustrated with God because I knew that if He wanted to, He can wait a bit before He takes my grandpa away. I wasn't asking God to let my grandpa live for another month or another week. God willing, I'm sure He could've made it happen. However, I must've prayed against His will. God didn't wait for my parents... I was sad, but probably even more sad for my dad. I had wished that my dad will get to see my grandpa one last time. But God had other plans.

I want to trust that God's ways are perfect. I don't know if my grandpa is going to heaven or not. He was a Catholic, and I hope He believed that Christ is his Saviour and Lord. But I'm not sure to be honest. I also prayed that my grandpa will go to heaven, so that I can meet him once again I leave this world too. I just regret so much that I didn't get to ask my grandpa about his belief when I was in Korea this summer. I mean, it might've been challenging to carry out this conversation because he had alzheimer's and he didn't even remember who I was. I know I shouldn't think this, and this is not true, but I keep thinking that if my grandpa doesn't go to heaven then it's all my fault.

I recall the last days of my grandpa when he was still healthy, and when I was in Korea back in 2009. That's the first picture in this post. There are so much regrets when I think about that day, and I am reminded how horrible granddaughter I was. During my time in Korea that year, I was busy always hanging out with friends, and didn't care too much about my family. I don't remember why I met my grandpa that day, but we decided to meet at one of the Korean traditional palaces. I remember meeting him just briefly because I was so busy with my friends that afternoon - we made plans to go see Andy Warhol exhibition nearby the palace. I'm pretty sure I suggested to my grandpa to come to the palace at my convenience. His house wasn't that far but he still had to commute by himself. He was already around 90 at the time. What kind of granddaughter makes her grandpa travel by himself when he's that old? Yes, he was definitely healthy compared to now, but he was still really old. I made him come all the way to the palace, just to spend a little time with him. I was going through my photos that I took that day, comparing the time that the first and the last photo were taken with my grandpa. It was less than 2 hours. All we had was a cup of tea... we didn't even share a meal together.

He looks lonely walking alone, more than ever today.

My mom was in Korea about 3 years ago, when my grandpa just fell ill and had to start staying at a small hospital. At the time, he didn't have alzheimer's so he remembered most of the things. Today, my mom was sharing how he would often say how he missed me and my sister and how he recalled the time him and I went to the palace together. When I heard this, I was heart broken. I didn't think my grandpa would've remembered something such brief like that. But he did.

Looking back, that time was such a precious time for both of us. And it's now something that I can never have again.

Sadly, I don't remember any of the conversations we had that day. Even this, I regret because it was the only time that I spent with my grandpa alone. Ever since I grew up, I don't think I ever had any alone time with my grandpa. The fact that I don't remember any of the things we talked about proves that I didn't consider it special. For me to spend such a little time with him too, and sending him off like that... that was so rude of me. I don't think I can forgive myself for doing that.

I don't remember saying "I love you" to my grandpa. I don't know if he knew. I can't do anything now but to hope that he went to heaven. I really pray that he did. I hope I can see him again.

151212 Thank you for this year's life group

Christmas potluck is always the best:)

Tonight was our life group's year-end/ Christmas party. I can't believe another year's gone by. This was my 4th year in a life group. Although leaders have changed throughout the 4 years and so did the members, it's been always a blessing to be in a life group. I think all of us would agree to say that they've been encouraged by these sisters in Christ this year.

All 4 life groups have been different. Dynamics, the materials we covered, the style that was in, the relationships... As I write this post, I'm trying to think of in what ways each group was different from the other. I think this year's group was the most relatable for me in a way. Not sure why, but I feel like  I felt the most comfortable and I was most honest and open compared to other groups that I participated in? This may not be true, but that's what I think.

I'm thankful for all of the 8 sisters in my life. I pray that they will continue to desire to be holy and to walk with God in the new year as well! Looking forward to sharing life together in the new year as well!

151210 Thank you for the Christmas gift idea

A cute kitchen that captured my attention

"It's that time again" says my sister, after seeing a several packages of ground almond on the kitchen counter. Yes indeed. It's that time again to start a cookie factory. It's not a tradition or anything to bake cookies every Christmas but it's something I enjoy doing and it makes a good gift. I've been looking up recipes online last night and found some I like. I picked the top five I liked. It's not guaranteed that I'm going to bake all five but we shall see. Last year, I did something similar and made four different cookies in one day... and that was fun, yet exhausting! When the cookies were cooled and I was putting them in the jars, I realized that it wasn't gonna be enough. The jars were bigger than I thought. So I quickly made a new batch and that completed my Christmas cookie jars.

I'm planning to do something similar as last year. Currently, it's all in my head and who knows... if I don't have enough time, or don't feel like doing it, then this may not happen. One thing that's hard about this is when to bake. Since I don't put (nor know how to put) preservatives in the cookies, I can't make it and bring it to one party that's happening this week, and save it and bring it to the next week's party. By then, these cookies will get super hard and won't be edible anymore. I just need to think of when I will see the most people and bake it around that time... I've already started buying the ingredients so, hopefully I can make it happen!

I'm thankful that I'm able to think about this gift idea. Although I won't have the time or the resources to make everyone something this Christmas, I'm thankful for the opportunity to share this small gift to people around me. So... let's make this happen!

151209 Thank you for the chicken noodle soup

A little heart that I found in my soup!

I was craving some sort of noodle today. I was hoping to eat something like pasta or Korean so-myun... but instead, I had dumplings for dinner. The dumplings were good but it didn't satisfy my cravings. Then, while I was cooking dinner, Mr. K messages me and tells me that he made some chicken noodle soup. I was surprised that he made that, because I've never had a real chicken noodle soup before. All I had was from a can. He said he wants me to try some as well, but I couldn't drive over to his place because I didn't have the car. He also couldn't because he wasn't feeling well. So I went back to the kitchen to have my dinner.

Then few minutes later when I checked my phone, I got a message from him that he's leaving his place...! I was shocked because he said he wasn't feeling well. I called him to let me know not to come but he said he already left his house... I felt bad.

In the end, I got to try the chicken noodle soup that he made for the first time! It was good, and it satisfied my cravings. I feel bad that he had to come all the way to my place to drop it off despite his headache, but I'm thankful for his thoughtful heart. Thank you!

151208 Thank you for a friend who checks up on me

Memory from childhood. It was a fun game:)

I have a couple of friends who read my blog on a regular basis. One is Mr. K and the other is one of my best friends from high school. I forget when it was, but I recall being surprised because she had remembered about my blog long after I first told her about it. I didn't think she was following it. I just assumed that people read it when I first shared it, and they might check a couple more times after but I was thinking that they will forget about it as time passes. But my friend was different.

In the past several weeks, I had blogged about my negative feelings. Whenever I wrote something like that, she would either text me or call me to check up on me.  I received a phone call from her, and it was pretty late I think. I was wondering if something had happened to her. But soon after, I found out that the reason she called was because of me. She said that she read my post from a few days ago (the day I wrote how upset I was). She was concerned about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I was so thankful to know that she cared about me and thankful to have a friend like her.

151207 Thank you for the 5 dollar menus

$5 pizza

Food, after food, after food. It sounds like gluttony. Mr. K had purchased something called a "Passport" which allows us to get $5 menus at various restaurants and dessert cafes across the city. It's only valid for two weeks from today. As it was only $5 per dish, we both assumed that the portions will be like a bite size. The first place we went served burgers, and they were regular size. We were both sort of stuffed from the burgers. Then, our second stop was this pizza place where we also thought the size was going to be pretty small. We were wrong... Thankfully we only ordered one.  Between the two of us, we could only finish half and brought the half back home. By this time, we were extremely full and we even had to go for a little walk to digest a bit. We wanted to check out one more place before heading up, and that was my favourite part - desserts! If we had not bought the "Passports" then we would've probably skipped the dessert part. However, since we were already downtown, we decided to stop by one last place.

We definitely ate a lot and it was all good food, and I was thankful that we were able to enjoy the food and the company. But towards the end, I felt a bit guilty of consuming this much food. It was just a couple of nights ago that I watched the documentary "Living on One Dollar." Although the food we had wasn't expensive and we didn't waste food, the fact that we were full but we kept eating because it was cheap... I don't know. I felt a little uneasy about this. I guess it's a good thing that I'm aware of gluttony and poverty. The question now will be, what will I do about this. Right?

151206 Thank you for the reminder to help the poor

At the retreat centre

Since I've logged back on Netflix, I've been watching a lot of documentaries. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep again even though I was tired. Plus, there's a documentary that I wanted to watch so it worked out, I guess. The film that I watched last night was called "Living on One Dollar" - I recommend that you watch it. It's about four college guys who spend two months in a poor village in Guatemala. They wanted to experience what it's like to live in the slums living with a dollar a day. They eat what the locals eat within their income ($1/day), and sleep on the ground in a small hut, getting flea bites.

What was good about it was that they did this experiment to think of ways to help the poor in a long term. I realized that, a lot of times we emphasize on helping the poor but it is for just a brief time. For example, if we make a donation, it will definitely help the family in poverty but it won't last that long.   We have to think about helping these people long term. Teaching and equipping them so that they can help themselves is what's needed, instead of us just helping them. It made me think about in what ways I can help them. These guys in the documentary have studied economics, and they were trying to think of ways for the locals to save up or help them get loans. There are doctors and nurses out there, who can give physical help to these people in poverty. There are architects and construction workers who can design and build a shelter in the poor neighbourhoods. But what can I do?

I think I had thought of this when I first went on missions a few summers ago. I felt like I didn't have any skills that will help the people in poverty, but God still used me. It honestly doesn't matter if I have certain skills or not. As long as I am willing and obedient to God's calling, then He equips me. I've experienced it several times on the mission field. However, it's so easy for me to forget this important fact because a lot of times, I depend on myself. I'm thankful that God reminded me to help the poor, but also thankful for reminding me that it's God who equips us to carry out the things we need to do to help the people in need.

151204 Thank you for the documentaries

So colourful!

I wasn't able to fall asleep last night. I think I was up past 3AM. Like last time, I was thinking about several things that I thought would help me fall asleep, but it didn't work. I prayed, and it didn't work. So I decided to finish a documentary that I was watching earlier during the day called "Twinsters" but even when it finished, I wasn't sleepy. I was scrolling netflix and wondering what else I could watch. Then I came across another documentary called "The Drop Box." This film was in the theatres for a short time earlier this year and I didn't get a chance to watch it. Not that I wanted to, but people around me were talking about it so I was curious on what it was about. I know the gist of it, but I decided to watch it anyway because it wasn't like I was gonna fall asleep anytime soon.

I didn't finish it because my eyes were hurting - I wear glasses but when I'm lying down it's hard for me to wear them when I have my head over my pillow, so I take them off. Then I have to bring my iPad pretty close to me in order for me to see it somewhat clearly. Having the screen so close to my face eventually hurts my eyes... and when I can't take it anymore, I just turn it off. And that's what happened last night also. 

Both documentaries depicted Koreans so it was somewhat relatable. In fact, two films are more or less related to one another, since they both portray abandoned children in Korea. However, I think I was more curious about Twinsters than The Drop Box. It made me wonder what it'll be like to have a twin sister. For a short moment after watching this film, I wished for a twin sister, thinking that she might understand me better than anyone in the world because her and I might think alike. 

151203 Thank you for those who listen, when I need them to just listen

Hydrangeas

I'm really upset right now. All day, I've been just upset and grumpy - there were times when I felt better and laughing, but my day couldn't end just there. Something had to happen bad to make me so upset and angry.

At this very moment, I'm not thankful. I don't even feel like blogging because this all time I was thinking, "what am I gonna blog about today, if I'm so upset?" I set a goal before December that I would do my best to blog every single day this month - and I'm honestly just trying to keep my promise. There were some thankful moments today, but I feel like all that is gone and erased from my head because of what happened tonight. How can I be thankful with this type of attitude and heart I have right now?

I guess I am thankful for my blog. I have somewhere to vent and let my anger out. I'm also thankful that I have God, to whom I can bring all my problems and my negative feelings. Sometimes, I just want someone to listen to me without saying anything. And no one does it better than God. I feel more at peace than before when I began writing my blog today.

151202 Thank you for the Christmas decoration

Bunnies!

What a day. It seemed like it was a long day for me, but at the same time, the day went by super fast. I had to go downtown in the morning, and then come back uptown to meet up with a friend. My friend and I to go shopping and decorate the church chapel. We only had briefly talked about it last Sunday to see how we are going to decorate the room. But we never really planned it out so it was hard for us to shop for what we need. Another thing was budget, what we were given seemed a lot at first, but when we started adding things to the shopping cart, it seemed like what we had was not enough at all. Another thing was time - the chapel was being used for something tonight, so we had to clear it out but certain time. My friend and I were stressing ourselves out because we kept thinking that we may not have enough time to finish it today.

Thankfully, it worked out in the end. We finished a little before the chapel was being used. Wrapping up and cleaning  happened pretty fast. And we actually finished it all today! Well, we just need to get a few of the extension cords but otherwise, we are good. By the time we were done, we realized how tired we were! But we were glad and thankful that we were not only done, but it looked pretty good with the budget we had. What's even better, is that we even went under budget. So it all worked out in the end. 

151201 Thank you for the first advent calendar

My first advent calendar is done!

Hello, December!

I've been waiting for December for some time as I have planned something for Mr. K. I've been preparing to make him his first advent calendar. As I was finishing up the project, I was anticipating December to come. First, I was excited to give it to him, and second, my tiny room was getting really messy and crowded with all of those gifts (although they may be small) and rolls of wrapping paper, ribbons and green leaves. In fact, those green leaves were turning brown! 

I had fun planning and making this advent calendar. It was my first one, and I was more excited knowing that it was his first as well. It was stressful at times too, as I couldn't decide on the design or think of what to put in each day. It seems like great ideas always come last minute. I had the entire November to plan and make this, but the idea only came to my mind closer to the end of the month. And as I was wrapping the gifts, more better ideas came to my mind... But I was almost done with the calendar, so sadly, I have to save those ideas for next time.

I hope that Mr. K will enjoying opening a small gift daily, and enjoy the things big and small inside these boxes!