no.37 130606 Thank you for letting me help the homeless

The Beaches, Toronto - last week with friends (it's irrelevant to the post).

Last Saturday, I went to volunteer with my church. There is a ministry at another church, which was created to help the people in need - especially the homeless in downtown Toronto. I think my church has been partnered with that church. My church helps out every first Saturday of the even months. There is a facility which is almost like a community centre somewhere in downtown. What we do there is cook for the homeless and feed them. While we do so, we try to share our testimony.

I wanted to volunteer for the month of April but I signed up too late and all the spots were full. So I had to wait for two months to get another chance to help out. I think I signed up pretty quick this time around. When I got the confirmation email, I was happy at first at the fact that I am able to serve this time. However, the closer it got to the date I was regretting and thinking something like "do I really want to do this?" I'm always like this. I get so excited to do something at first, and after I sign up for an event, I get anxious and worry not knowing what to expect. When I go, I enjoy it very much and by the time I finish, I don't want it to end. Yeah.. I find it weird. I'm weird.

The reason I was hesitant was this: I don't like homeless people. Like I mentioned before, I don't have the heart for the homeless. I was pretty sure that this experience wouldn't change my mind - and it didn't. Plus, they scare me. I'm not scared about the way they look or what they say. I'm more scared about what they might do to me. I'm not sure if I shared it on my blog before, but I am a clean freak and I don't like dirty things. That doesn't mean I'm not dirty. I'm dirty too - I don't vacuum my room that often, and right now, I have a big garbage bag full of recycles which has been sitting there for weeks. Oh yes, did I also mention that I'm spiritually dirty? Well, all of us are because we're all sinners. The 'dirtiness' that I'm referring to is the physical dirtiness. I shower every day before going to bed because I like to feel fresh and clean. But homeless people, they probably don't shower for weeks or sometimes even more. I don't want to sound too mean or anything, but some homeless people just stink. Whenever I see a homeless person on the road, I try to avoid them and maintain a large gap when walking close to them. Also, some are mentally ill, and I don't want to risk getting involved with them.

Another reason why I don't like homeless people or pity them is because I believe that it was their choice to live that way. I'm quite sure the majority were not born as homeless. They once had loving families, once had a warm place to live, and once had a job through which they were able to support themselves. I don't know their story and what made them withdrew from this 'normal' life, but it was certainly their choice. They chose to give up the life that they were living, and they decided to live a homeless person's life instead. So why do I have to sympathize with the homeless?

It might have been a bad idea to help the homeless with this kind of mindset. But I wanted to see how I would react when I was placed in a position to serve the people I cannot accept. In addition, we've been talking about accepting others in my life group. Perhaps, unconsciously I wanted to challenge myself. I also wanted to see what the ministry is like.

When we got there, we did some cooking and setting up for dinner such as cleaning tables, preparing coffee and desserts, etc. Around dinner time, people started coming and we were ready to serve dinner. Before serving dinner, the leaders were assigning team members with different duties. I wanted to take the job that has the least possible communication with the homeless people - something like, staying in the kitchen and giving food to people. It was my first time there, so I didn't know what each job was about. I chose to serve coffee, thinking that it's something where I don't have to deal much with the homeless people. I was definitely wrong. I had to go to the dining room and serve coffee as I go around the room with a coffee cart. I had to ask each person if they wanted a coffee or not, and how they like their coffee. This meant talking one-on-one to each homeless person. "Oh great" I thought to myself. I was a little scared about what was about to happen.

When I first walked in to the dining room, the place was occupied with an interesting scent as the room was full of homeless people. It took me a while to get used to the smell. To be honest, I have a weak stomach and I was feeling a little nauseous from it. I thought I was going to be sick. Eventually, the smell seemed to fade away and I felt okay. I teamed up with two other volunteers and we started serving coffee. I was scared at first because I had to go around the room - which meant, I could bump into the homeless people, they might come up to me, they might tap me or grab me, etc. etc. I wanted absolutely no physical interaction.

What am I thankful for after blabbering how much I don't like homeless people? Am I even thankful for anything?  I am thankful that I even took this step to help someone I don't like. It was definitely a challenging experience for me. As I am writing this post, I learned that I should be more accepting of the homeless people. I am a sinner but God still loves me and accepts me. If I have experienced God's amazing love and grace, shouldn't I do the same for my neighbours? For sure, it's easy to love your friends and family, but what about the homeless people? Aren't they also my neighbour? Who am I to love one but hate another? Can I love them as I love my family? Right now the answer is no. I might never be able to love and accept the homeless people. I think this is a constant struggle for me and for a lot of people. I pray that I will see the poor people through God's eyes and slowly be able to accept them through God's grace.